Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Steinbrenner Goes Right To Work On Baltimore City Schools

The New Boss Of Baltimore City Public SchoolsNew School Superintendent Promises Restructuring To Be Done "My Way"
By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore -
Newly elected Baltimore City School superintendent and owner of the New York Yankees George Steinbrenner wasted no time when he showed up for his first day of his new role. Calling the current public school situation a "total log-jam of idiocy", he went to work right away in an area he knows best, personnel changes. By noon, 45 central administrators, 26 teachers, 15 principals, and 27 school office secretaries were fired and humiliated publicly.


"These people are useless and, therefore, I have absolutely no time for them.", said Steinbrenner, who opted not to speak via a Baltimore City Schools spokesperson, because he fired him. "The fact that these people actually were trusted with educating or facilitating the education of Baltimore's children is nothing short of frightening. This round of firings is just the beginning."

While no new hires have been announced yet, sources close to The Crab have speculated that Steinbrenner is interested in some veteran county teachers, who recently have filed for school transfers. Some of these free-agent teachers include a fourth grade teacher from Overlea who is known for her skills in sustaining classroom order well past lunchtime into the 2 pm hour. Another possible move could be to sign a P.E. teacher from Catonsville known for his ability to get even the fattest and laziest students motivated to play sports and get healthy. Finally, this source claims Steinbrenner has interest in an assistant principal that he claims "has been groomed perfectly and is ready for the big leagues now."

Of course, acquisitions like this do not come cheap and there is a level of risk involved, but these risks do not phase Steinbrenner.

"I traded for A-Rod and now he's one of the best. I signed up guys like Sheffield and Randy Johnson who are dominant. I know this game well and the schools need some big names in order to turn around this mess." claimed Steinbrenner.

Another module of the schools to which Steinbrenner plans on hiring is the top tier of central administration jobs. He has always been known to hire the brightest and best in the front-office and plans to continue that trend in the schools.

"I demand loyalty and excellence. If you don't give me both of those, at all times, you will be fired and I will be on the phone with the newspapers and the radio talk-shows telling the entire region what a moron you really are. In other words, if you work for me, you better bring your A-Game."
explained Steinbrenner, who shortly after referred to his newly fired spokesman as a "garbling fool".

While the long-term impact of these moves and future moves is difficult to gauge, one thing is for sure; the days of incompetence, political patronage, and all out dysfunctionality appear to be over at the Baltimore City Public Schools.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Word has reached this desk that Steinbrenner is thinking about busing children with failing scores to either Ottawa, Salisbury, Aberdeen, Bowie, Frederick or Bluefield.

"If they lower our test scores they will be farmed out to other systems to prepare themselves to come back to the Big Crabcake and perform as well as we know they can perform.", said George "The School Marm" Steinbrenner.