Local Man Exiled From Neighborhood After Seen On Duck Boat Tour

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – Mike O’Neal was voted into exile from his Upper Fells Point community after several residents saw him participating in the Duck Boat Tour earlier this fall. The Duck Boat Tour, an excellent tourist attraction, has always been considered off-limits to permanent Baltimore residents because of the embarrassment factor in other neighborhoods.

“Mike is a good guy, but rules are rules. I mean, what if someone from Butchers Hill saw him? Then it might be assumed that all of us on this block are the types of people who would ride the Duck Boat, waving our arms around like idiots while blowing those little horn things.” said Tuck Peterson of Upper Fells Point. “The only way to make sure this doesn’t happen again is to set an example and unfortunately, that is Mike”.

Another element of the Duck Boat tour that makes it taboo among local Baltimoreans is the history aspect of it. The tour takes the passengers through the Inner Harbor, Fell Point and Canton and gives stories about the history of Charm City. Some local residents feel that Baltimore history is something a local should already know.

“If Mike was on that boat, it can only mean one of two things. One, he enjoys looking like an idiot with the arm flailing, or two, he did not pay attention in elementary school when we learned about Francis Scott Key and how the Star Spangled Banner was written. Either way, he is not fit for this block.” Peterson added.

In his own defense, Mike claimed that he was on the boat entertaining family who was in town visiting from Northern New Jersey. Mike’s brother, sister in-law, and their children were in town to see the Yankees play the O’s and he thought it would be a fun thing for them to do.

“My brother and his family had never been to Baltimore so I thought it would be a fun way for them to see as much of the waterfront as possible.” explained Mike.

However, that did not sit well with Mike’s neighbors.

“Yankees? New Jersey? Duck Boats? Well, with that combination right there, Mike is lucky to have gotten only banishment” said another neighbor on the condition of anonymity.

While Mike plans to appeal this decision by the community, no banished resident has ever had a decision overturned since Cal Ripken Jr. convinced his neighbors that he was only wearing a Red Sox hat as a joke.