Fells Point Residents Complain That Local Bakery Makes City Air Smell Too Nice

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – A group of residents in Fells Point filed a formal complaint with the city this week stating the cinnamon and sugar smell caused by the local baked-goods factory makes the neighborhood smell too good. The complaint comes after a summer where a number of new luxury townhouses, and condos were built attracting many new residents who wanted to live in a “harbor setting”.

“I shelled out a half mill and moved to Fells Point from Ellicott City because I wanted a harbor-like lifestyle”, said Tom Robertsmith. “And that harbor lifestyle includes the shit smell that comes from the harbor water.”

Another new resident thinks the neighborhood has lost its historic character because it has lost an entire sensory aspect of its maritime culture.

“When I close my eyes, I think I am in my grandmother’s kitchen with a plate of her wonderful cinnamon buns, not in my portside townhouse.”, said Margaret Stoneley. “As a historic neighborhood, we should encapsulate that history using all of our senses.”

While these residents are upset by the bakery smell, there are many veteran residents in the area that think that the complaint is not warranted.

“Are these people stupid? I mean, let’s see here, the combination of gas, oil, sewage, dead fish and trash, or cinnamon? I am going to chalk that one up to common sense and go with fresh bakery smell.”, said one Fells resident who has lived there for over 10 years. “Waking up to the smell of bakery as opposed to that shit smelling harbor water has been nothing short of a miracle, but leave it to these idiots to complain about that.”

There has been no formal response from the city regarding this “issue”, but sources inside City Hall have informed the Crab that action, if any, will be drastically delayed as city officials dismissed the complaint on the assumption that it was a City Hall office prank.

One of these sources spoke to the Crab on the condition of anonymity.

“Seriously, we had a room full of people laughing while one of us read this thing out loud. I think someone actually pissed their pants. Upon finding out that this was serious, we laughed even harder and I can confirm that someone did piss their pants.”, said the source.

While this issue still remains at large in Fells Point, there have been no other reported complaints of the city’s air smelling too good.