City Council Votes To Put City Budget Surplus Into The Inner Harbor

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore – The Baltimore City Council yesterday voted unanimously to put the 47 million dollar budget surplus into the city’s Inner Harbor in a move that ends weeks of debate as to where the surplus money should go.

While other city groups were hoping that the money would be invested into the development of blighted neighborhoods on the city’s east and west sides, others were hoping the money would go into the much-needed repairs of at least one dozen of the city’s aging public schools.

However, the City Council’s plan calls for the surplus to be converted into quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, put into yellow 50 gallon steel drums and submersed into the Inner Harbor.

“When we said we wanted to put the money into the Inner Harbor, we meant it literally and we stand by our word.” said City Council President Sheila Dixon. “People wanted the Council to tone down our ‘political rhetoric’, so here they have it. We said we were going to do something and we will now follow through on it to the ‘T’”.

While the Council defends its proposed actions, city residents are furious at what they refer to as a “ridiculous idea”.

“This is nothing short of insane. They have finally lost it. I am still waiting for them to stand up and tell us that they were kidding and this was all a big joke” said East Baltimore resident Raymond Smith. “I really and truly have no clue as to what they are thinking. I am at a complete loss.”

In an attempt to explain the reasoning behind the Council’s choice of action, Councilman Jim Kraft said, “I don’t think that the city residents fully understand what we are doing here. The Inner Harbor has been a key factor in the revitalization of our downtown and waterfront areas. Now, we are giving back to the Harbor what we feel it has given to us for over 25 years.”

When asked about the Council’s decision, Mayor Martin O’Malley’s office responded saying “They want to put 47 million in change into the Inner Harbor? Yeah, that’s about right. We stopped paying attention to what the Council was doing months ago because we knew this day would come and we wanted nothing to do with it. So, they finally lost it, huh?”

When asked whether the Mayor’s Office would step in to prevent this from happening, the spokesperson said, “No, we’ll just shut up and veto it like any normal oxygen-breathing, half-witted human being would and make them look like a bunch nit-wits. Standard procedure. City residents have nothing to worry about.”

After investigating other City Council Bills that were passed but vetoed by the mayor and spawned from literal translations of suggested solutions to city problems, the Crab found Bills that included plans to fill potholes with old pennies, throw quarters at vacant homes, and to mop the streets with Mr. Clean. None of these bills ever were signed and never made it into City Code.