CRAB BRIEFS

Ehrlich’s Zero Sideburns Look Ahead of Fashion Curve

ANNAPOLIS – A spokesperson for Governor Bob Ehrlich described the Governor’s no-sideburns look as a fashion statement ahead of the curve. Ehrlich, who has taken criticism in the past for his hair style, now claims that his hair style is on the verge of being cool and that he will be a political fashion pioneer. “This style is going to catch on, and when it does, we are going to be as cool as it gets.” said the spokesperson.

Konerko Rejects O’s Offer of $65M, Accepts Ravens Offer of $65,000,000.01

CAMDEN YARDS – Chicago White Sox slugger and newly made free agent Paul Konerko formally rejected the Orioles’ offer of 5 years $65 million, but accepted an offer from the Ravens for 5 years $65 million dollars and one cent. When asked why he chose the offer from a team who plays a different sport than Konerko plays, his agent replied “NFL contracts are guaranteed like baseball contracts, right?”

Baltimore Development Corp’s Secret Meeting So Secret Nobody Shows Up

BALTIMORE – The ‘secret’ meeting of the BDC was such a well kept secret, not even the would-be attendees knew of it. The meeting, which stirred up so much controversy when knowledge of it went public, is now being played down as nothing merely a miscommunication within the BDC. “Someone just goofed, but maybe we shouldn’t make it so secret next time.” said a BDC spokesman.

Canton Resident Can’t Find The Right Play Date For His Kids

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

CANTON – Local man and father of three John Hallivont is looking feverishly for suitable play dates for is 2, 3, and 5 year old kids. The only problem is he cannot find any play-dates that fulfill his long list of requirements.

“I will admit, my requirements are quite demanding.” explained Hallivont. “But by no means whatsoever, are the requirements unreasonable.”

Some examples of his requirements of a suitable play date include a height restriction where the play date must be at least 3 inches shorter than his kid and must be at least 4 months younger. Another requirement is that the parents of the play date must drive a foreign made, late model station wagon or SUV that has a progressive-scan DVD player with a flip-down screen no smaller than 13 inches. Curtain airbags are a plus, but not a requirement.

“The vehicle arrangement is most necessary in terms of compliance.” Hallivont explained. “Aside from age and size dominance, my child is to believe that he or she is riding safely in the comfort and luxury of one of our 3 vehicles. Otherwise, there will be no play-date.”

Another important requirement that Hallivont points out is family history. If the play date’s parents have ever lived abroad, or ever been to Las Vegas on vacation, they will be non-compliant with the requirements. Also, parents who live in a house that wasn’t family-inherited will be chalked up as non-compliant.

“Sadly enough, the Las Vegas thing really eliminates many people and they just throw the biggest hissy-fits when I dismiss them for that reason. Quite sad it is.” Hallivont said. “But, my children are important to me and I just feel that I am justified to be so choosy when it comes to who they will and will not interact with socially.”

While many rejected applicants feel he is taking the requirements too far, Hallivont remains firm in his ways and still continues his search for suitable play-dates for his children.

Investigation Of Stolen Light Posts Uncovers Underground Jousting Circuit

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – The ramped-up investigation of the mysterious stolen light posts in the Baltimore region, fueled by recent national news attention, has lead authorities to uncover a secret underground jousting ring.

Acting on a tip, police raided a warehouse in Southeast Baltimore where they did find a stockpile of metal posts. However, they also found that these posts were not the stolen 30 foot street light posts, but 10 foot flag posts being used by an underground jousting club.

“The tipster witnessed a group of people unloading metal posts into this abandoned warehouse and appropriately called the BCPD.” said a spokesman for the BCPD. “That call prompted immediate action in which we entered the warehouse. Unfortunately, instead of finding the stolen light posts, we found a secret medieval club using flag posts as jousting weapons.”

While there have been no reports of disappearing flag posts around the region, city police said they would verify that the flag posts were purchased legally.

Details of the jousting ring are not known as the members of the club would not comment on any of their activities citing a “knight’s honor” not to speak to the media.

Local Blogger Takes Four Days Off; Nobody Notices

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – A local blogger, who prides himself on a decent following in the blogosphere, has not posted anything to his blog in four days. Despite his self-described loyal following in the blogging community, the blogger is saddened to find that there is no evidence to suggest that anyone cared that he had not posted in that time.

“Not one single email, or comment, or text-message, nothing.” said the blogger in a depressing tone. “I was busy over the holiday, but I sort of didn’t post on purpose because I wanted to feel missed. I was wrong.”

This particular blogger blogs about various topics in his life including his job, his political beliefs, his social life, his apartment, and some creative writing samples that he had come up with. He had become known in the blogoshpere as a rising star for his commentary on modern pop culture and his vivid descriptions on what he did most weekend nights.

“I was on my way up. I had some great regular readers who would always leave good comments and send great emails.” he explained. “I just hope that they haven’t found someone else’s blog to read in the meantime that they like better than mine.”

According to blog experts, blogging is not supposed to be a “scheduled” activity, meaning that one should only post when circumstances warrant rather than post for the sake of posting. However, this blogger contends that readership is equally as important to keeping proper blogging practice.

“I mean, if nobody reads it, then what is the point?” he declared. “I mean there isn’t even any chatter at all about my blog. Not even talking bad about me. I may already be out of the sphere.”

Even though there is no record of any online chatter about his fledgling blog, sources close to the Baltimore blogosphere do suggest that his blog was already losing readers due to flat content and what once source called “irrelevant BS”, which in the blog world is considered to be extraordinarily bad.

“No way man, my content was rock solid, your sources are wrong!” he yelled, “I took a gamble to gauge how much they liked me and I just held out too long, that’s the only lesson learned here. Its all about the quantity.”

When presented with this quote, the source reiterated, “Yep, sounds like the attitude of a blogger who was just not on the same page as the rest of us.”

Holiday Travel Special Report: I-95 Rest Stop Bathrooms Already Smell Awful

By: The Traveling Man
Crab Travel Editor

I-95 CORRIDOR – It only took a few hours, but by 6:30 this morning, the smell in the bathrooms at all I-95 rest stops in Maryland was borderline intolerable, officially kicking off one of the busiest travel days of the year in Maryland and the rest of the country.

At the Maryland House rest stop, the smell was not just horrible, but widespread beyond the confines of the bathroom itself.

“Wow, I’ve smelled some seriously awful rest stop bathrooms in my days, but this is gotta be one of the worst.” said Ted, a truck driver on his way to Connecticut. “It hits you even when you are like ten feet from opening the door to go in.”

The smell, which has been described by many as ‘old sewage’, began to become prevalent after an early morning rush which included truckers, couriers, and families trying to beat traffic.

The problem, as described by experts, is that bathroom stench needs idle time, when nobody is adding to the smell, in order to clear out. The issue with this travel day is that with so many people stopping, the stench never gets the proper amount of time to even begin decreasing in density.

While many people blame a lack of maintenance, experts disagree claiming that this problem is a battle against time and cannot be solved by solvents.

“Even if we were to go in there every 15 minutes and spray the hell out of the place, it would only result in a mix of chemicals and stench, which in my opinion is worse.” said an official from the Maryland House rest stop. “Unfortunately, this is just a part of traveling during this weekend.”

While most are appalled by the smell, some actually embrace it as a tradition of traveling for the Thanksgiving.

“We have been traveling from North Carolina to Delaware every year since our children were born and when we stop at the Maryland House, that horrible smell served as a reminder that we were only 40 miles from grandma and grandpa’s house.” said Frank from North Carolina. “The smell hasn’t changed one bit over the years, and to be honest, I would miss it if it wasn’t there.”

Love it or hate it, the smell is still there and more pungent than ever. Just as the traffic on the highway is a sure thing, one can also expect to stand in some serious stench when pulling off for a travel break.

Renegade Parking Cop Plays By Her Own Rules

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – With a cup of coffee in her right hand, and a lit cigarette in the other, she surveys the scene taking in all the little details and wondering what was the motive for the atrocity that occurred in front of her. There are no flashing lights, no flash bulbs, and there is no air support. There is only her and her pen.

The aforementioned atrocity, of course, is a 1996 Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that hangs at least 3 feet past the sign that clearly states that you cannot park there as it is a bus stop. While she shakes her head and wonders what this world has come to, she pulls out the pen, writes feverishly on a stack of tickets while stomping out the finished cigarette on the ground beneath her.

“This one is going to cost this guy, I’ll make sure of that.” she says as she continues to document this clear disregard of the rules. “I’m thinking at least 100 bucks before I am done with this clown.”

While many would think that a fine that big for parking partially in a bus stop would be considered excessive, she feels she is being generous and fair.

“A hundred is nothing, I’ve written tickets for two, two-fifty, even three hundred dollars before.” she explains as she takes pleasure in the sound of the windshield wiper hitting the ticket pressed up on the glass.

Although there are guidelines set forth by the city regarding parking violations and their fine amount, she feels that those are weak and do nothing to discourage the hundreds of parking crimes that occur each day.

“This is a serious problem that is only getting worse. This tells me that the ‘guidelines’ that the city has come up with are not getting it done. My rules are getting it done; my rules are reducing parking crimes and my rules show that I mean business.” she declared as she scoped the rest of the block for another candidate looking for some ‘paper justice’.

This deviant behavior has gotten her in trouble before, which is why she wants to remain anonymous to this story, but it doesn’t seem to keep her from bending these rules if it means one more car won’t be parking illegally on her beat again. To her, this is more of a cop philosophy than a practice.

“You know, a law enforcement officer’s worst enemy is the constraints by which we are ‘required’ to work in. We try to solve problems but we can’t do this or can’t do that. This is the main cause of stress for most cops. I just choose to ignore those constraints and because of this, my beat is always seeing the best results. If I get fired, then that is the city’s loss, not mine.” she explained as she nods her head signaling that the Tacoma is the only offender on this block.

Editorial: The Next Person Who Calls Me The Pringles Guy…

By: Boh
Beer Logo

I just want to get this straightened out because I am close to my breaking point. I am not the Pringles guy! For some reason, ever since my face has become popular again, people’s typical first reaction when they see it is “Hey, look at the Pringles guy.” This infuriates me and quite frankly, I find it to be rude and ignorant.

Before I get going, I would like to first mention that most Baltimore natives and naturalized Baltimoreans do know who I am and know that I am not anything like the Pringles guy. So, to all those who fit the aforementioned description, this rant is not aimed towards you. However, one of the downfalls of living high atop the Boh building in Brewers Hill is that it is close to I-95 which means many non-Marylanders can see me from the interstate and see me even closer when they get off at O’Donnell Street. This is where I get most of my Pringles guy references.

First of all, we don’t look anything alike. My handlebar mustache is much wider and more prevalent as one my facial features. Secondly, he has a matted down haircut with a part in the middle, where my part gives way to some great curls on top of my forehead. Last, but NOT least, I wink! I wink a lot. He winks in some of his commercials but not all of them. I am on top of a tall building winking every few minutes all day and all night long. Truth be told, if he was even willing to wink like me, I don’t think he would have what it takes to pull it off. I know that is harsh but winking is not an easy thing to do when you do it as much as me.

Before I conclude, I would like to emphasize the difference in what each of us is selling. He is selling potato chips, excuse me, potato crisps. I am not just selling beer. I am selling Baltimore and its warmth and hospitality. When you get off at O’Donnell and come under the tracks past Newkirk, you see me, winking at you and welcoming you to our great city and hoping that you enjoy your stay. While nothing is better with a Boh than a stack of Pringles, and he and I are both mustache wearing logos, I must implore you to use what I have just taught you and please do me the courtesy of calling me by my proper name when I do you the courtesy of throwing a wink and a smile your way.

Typo In 1999 Traffic Study Made Engineers Think That People Loved Traffic

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – In what is being called the worst misinterpretation of data since NASA confused measurement units resulting in the loss of a Mars space probe, the Crab has learned that for the past 5 years, Baltimore City traffic engineers have been designing traffic patterns and construction schedules based on an incorrect conclusion of a traffic study conducted in 1999. This misinterpretation was caused by a typo in the conclusion section of the report that said “traffic jams are the leading cause of people loving”. The word “loving” was supposed to be “moving” as the study was on the impact traffic has on residents’ daily lives and city demographic shifts.

“Yeah, that was our fault. Although we did find it odd that people would love traffic, we put a lot of time and resources into that study and therefore, we trusted its conclusions.” said a spokesman from the Baltimore City Department of Transportation. “Hindsight being 20/20, we really should have picked up on this before we commenced with 5 years of multi-million dollar traffic projects.”

The typo was noticed when a member of the D.O.T’s executive office cleaning crew glanced at a piece of paper that was on the floor. That piece of paper happened to be from the traffic study and contain the last paragraph of the conclusion statement. Upon seeing the statement, she felt that it couldn’t be true so she gave it to a senior member in the Director’s office.

While there is no evidence of a cover-up, a source inside the D.O.T. confirmed that the Director’s Office is not exactly eager to discuss the issues that have come out of this study. This source also speculates that some of the city’s most recent and infamous traffic project disasters including the simultaneous reduction of Pratt, Lombard, and Fayette Streets to one lane for construction, may be the results of the conclusions of this study.

Repeated phone calls to the Director’s office have not been returned, but the Crab did get a written response from the D.O.T. Communications Office in writing that contained three words, “Oops, our bad.”

Mount Vernon Residents Attempt To Outsmart Developers; Push For Minimum Height Restrictions

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – As an ultimate “screw you” gesture, the residents of Mount Vernon have removed its maximum height restrictions on new buildings and replaced it with a minimum height restriction for these new buildings. This comes after weeks of debate about whether or not to allow several developers to build condominium towers that many residents feel are too tall and take away from the cultural character of the neighborhood.

The new proposal calls for new apartment buildings to be at least 1,000 feet tall.

“How do they like them apples?” said one Mt. Vernon resident. “What’s the matter? Can’t they build a tower that tall? Too bad, I guess they can’t build here”.

As the argument on the actual maximum height caused the biggest impasse in the debate, several residents realized that were looking at this the wrong way.

“It came to me like a punch in the face. Don’t require the buildings to be short enough, require them to be tall enough?”, said Marty Willhute, the resident who thought up of the plan. “It’s so simple, if a developer wants to build an apartment building here, it would have to be the tallest apartment building in the world. No developer around here can do that. Brilliant!”

While many residents are rejoicing about what they are calling an “ingenious idea”, there are many residents who feel that this plan is both infeasible and stupid.

“Come on, let’s be serious. This is idiotic and everyone knows it.” said one opponent of the new idea. “What government would allow a law that would call for that restriction?”

Other residents are nervous about this latest development as they have seen stranger ideas evolve into policy before including the now infamous “vasoline on the street lights” idea and the “robotic parking cop” idea.

“I’m telling you right now. Do not put anything past the city. They will do anything to keep residents from harassing them.”, said one of these apprehensive residents. “Next thing you know, we have a 1000 foot apartment building symbolizing the world’s biggest back-fire ever and as a giant middle finger aimed at our once good cause.”

While it still remains unclear whether this new proposal will have any chance of being taken seriously, it has caused quite a stir in an already unsettled neighborhood surrounded in debate and controversy. However, one thing remains certain, this debate is far from being won or lost as both sides are far from giving up.

Fells Point Residents Complain That Local Bakery Makes City Air Smell Too Nice

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – A group of residents in Fells Point filed a formal complaint with the city this week stating the cinnamon and sugar smell caused by the local baked-goods factory makes the neighborhood smell too good. The complaint comes after a summer where a number of new luxury townhouses, and condos were built attracting many new residents who wanted to live in a “harbor setting”.

“I shelled out a half mill and moved to Fells Point from Ellicott City because I wanted a harbor-like lifestyle”, said Tom Robertsmith. “And that harbor lifestyle includes the shit smell that comes from the harbor water.”

Another new resident thinks the neighborhood has lost its historic character because it has lost an entire sensory aspect of its maritime culture.

“When I close my eyes, I think I am in my grandmother’s kitchen with a plate of her wonderful cinnamon buns, not in my portside townhouse.”, said Margaret Stoneley. “As a historic neighborhood, we should encapsulate that history using all of our senses.”

While these residents are upset by the bakery smell, there are many veteran residents in the area that think that the complaint is not warranted.

“Are these people stupid? I mean, let’s see here, the combination of gas, oil, sewage, dead fish and trash, or cinnamon? I am going to chalk that one up to common sense and go with fresh bakery smell.”, said one Fells resident who has lived there for over 10 years. “Waking up to the smell of bakery as opposed to that shit smelling harbor water has been nothing short of a miracle, but leave it to these idiots to complain about that.”

There has been no formal response from the city regarding this “issue”, but sources inside City Hall have informed the Crab that action, if any, will be drastically delayed as city officials dismissed the complaint on the assumption that it was a City Hall office prank.

One of these sources spoke to the Crab on the condition of anonymity.

“Seriously, we had a room full of people laughing while one of us read this thing out loud. I think someone actually pissed their pants. Upon finding out that this was serious, we laughed even harder and I can confirm that someone did piss their pants.”, said the source.

While this issue still remains at large in Fells Point, there have been no other reported complaints of the city’s air smelling too good.

Herd Of Buffalo Suing Tennis Club For Discrimination

By: Perry Matlock
Crab Legal Writer

BALTIMORE COUNTY – A herd of local buffalo have filed suit against a county tennis club for discrimination when they were forced off the courts for what the herd’s lawyer is calling “no reason other that they were a herd of buffalo”. The herd was spotted on the courts performing what they call “typical bison activities” like jumping over the net and standing around.

“They were a danger to nobody. There were no humans on the courts or even waiting to use the courts so they were an inconvenience to nobody as well.” , explained the herd’s attorney.

While this is the first time the herd has ever been a part of a large scale public news story, they apparently have had run-ins with residents and authorities in the past. There are several reports of the herd stampeding either late at night or early in the morning, waking up residents and causing panic. They have also been cited for illegal grazing on public land like high school fields and public parks, where animal excrement is a continuous problem.

“The grazing thing boggles my mind because how is a buffalo supposed to pick up its own poop? Come on, that is just picking on the fact that they don’t have human hands.” , the herd’s attorney said.

Confident that the lawsuit will thrown out of court, the tennis club did show a sign of good- will by urging the county government to designate specific areas of public land for bison use only. This would be land where grazing and stampeding would be legal and where it would not disrupt neighborhoods where humans reside.

“You know what? Fine. But I think that the sad thing still remains that once, we bison roamed the west by the millions and dominated the landscape and now, we cannot even sneak in a quick singles match without people getting all excited and herding us into trailers.” , said a herd spokesman. “But I guess the most important thing is being able to graze and stampede without the hassle, so yeah, this could be a good thing.”

City Police Helicopter Spotlight Operator Admits Half The Time He’s Just Showing Off

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – The spotlight operator of the Baltimore City Police Helicopter admitted this week that half of the time he is shining the light on the ground below, he is just showing off for the pilots and patrol cops. Ronnie “The Third Pilot” Davies, confessed that more often than not, he just shines the light in order to get the attention of the pilots and his superiors in order to make a good name for himself.

“Don’t get me wrong here, the chopper is vital in crime fighting. When we are in pursuit of someone, or providing air cover to a situation on the ground, that light is serving a purpose.”, explained Davies. “However, when we are just doing the rounds, waiting for a support request, I just show off my skills on how to make that light do things it wasn’t even designed to do.”

Davies’ claim is that one day, he will take the helm of the current Baltimore City Police helicopter if he is able to show the Department that his spotlight skills are second to none.

“I think that if I can show them my good stuff, I will become the heir to the pilot’s chair.”, said Davies.

Another point Davies makes is the difficulty of the actual maneuvers that he makes with the light, for which some have been given names by him.

“First off, the chopper rarely hovers perfectly level. We are always moving and always on an angle, so I need to anticipate what the aircraft is going to do before I can light up the ground.”, explained Davies. “Then there are the moves like the ‘Stop On A Dime’ where I can make that beam stay in one spot no matter what the chopper does, or the ‘Alley Jumper’ where I can sweep an alley, turn off the beam, them sweep another alley without having to shine the light on any houses.”

Sources close to the BPD have informed the Crab that there has been talk about eliminating the spotlight operator’s job, but the talent Davies has shown has always prevented that from happening.

“Hey, I just do my job. But, I am the best in the business.” , asserted Davies.

While many cities have police choppers, the BPD can proudly claim to have one the most skilled spotlight operators in law enforcement in America.

Local Developer Shrugs Off “Dime a Dozen” Notion Regarding His Developments - Defends His Town-Home Communities

By: Chris Kross
Crab Business Writer

BALTIMORE COUNTY – Local developer and entrepreneur Brand Wellsted, CEO of Generic Homes LLC, shrugged off the suggestion that town-home sub-developments are “a dime a dozen”.

“Dime a dozen? More like five hundred grand for one.” laughed Wellsted as he took a puff from his cigar. “If you can find me a development where you can buy twelve homes for a dime, please let me know because I need to buy that guy a scotch.”

When it was suggested that the phrase was meant to suggest that his developments were over-plentiful and lacked distinct character, Wellsted immediately went on the defensive explaining that Generic Communities offer a wide variety of custom built model homes.

“For example, we have the Ambassador model which is a little pricey but large and in-charge with its four bedroom layout. We also have the Peasant model with it’s one room layout.” explained Wellsted. “Of course, those living in the Peasant area of the community must use there own community pool and clubhouse.”

While Wellsted does admit that there are more new town-home/condo Communities popping up all over the greater Baltimore region, he firmly believes that there is still a substantial demand for these private communities.

“The fact of the matter is, people want to live in these isolated communities where everyone knows everything about everybody. And when we launch our fortified gated communities next year, you’ll see people by the thousands rush to buy in those.” said Wellsted.

When asked about the justification for the high prices of these homes, Wellsted explained that the convenience factor created by the locations of these communities is what makes them so priceless.

“In our White Marsh communities, you are so close to 95, you can literally read license plates of the cars on it from your bedroom window. In our Anne Arundel locations, you are so close to BWI, you can literally wave to the pilots as they land. This is unprecedented convenience to two of the area’s major travel entities.” explained Wellsted.

While some people like them and others hate them, town-home communities are the new housing craze in Baltimore County. And while some people are turned off by the thought of spending the money to live in these “cookie cutter” communities, there are many who think they are the best housing situation available. The only sure thing about this particular housing market is that as long as people keep buying these homes, there will still be Generic Communities popping up all over Baltimore.

New Super Convention Center and Hotel To Offer Vegas Style Pirate Show

By: Blaze Rollins
Crab Arts & Entertainment Writer

BALTIMORE – The committee that is overseeing the new 300 million dollar Super Convention Center and Hotel project announced this week that the new hotel is going to be offering an hourly pirate show on the hotel’s property. The show is going to be the flagship entertainment event for the new hotel complex.

“Our goal in producing this show is to market this complex as not only a place to come for seminars and conferences, but a place to have fun as well.” said the spokeswoman for the committee. “We wanted to be able to distinguish ourselves from the rest of the mega conference complexes on the East Coast and we feel this will accomplish just that."

While the specifics of the actual show have not yet been made public, sources close to the committee have informed the Crab that the design specifications of the show’s set include a scaled down model of the Baltimore Harbor from the 19th Century and a smaller version of the USS Constellation. Also, sources close to group producing the show have informed the Crab that the show’s plot will involve a war-like scenario similar to the pirate war show at the Treasure Island Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. Along with our sources on this story, this can be inferred from comments made by the committee spokeswoman.

“With the pirate show, the hotel complex will be just like something you would find in Vegas, without of course, the gambling and 24 hour liquor licenses.” said the spokeswoman.

According to another source close to the committee, there were several proposed themes for the hourly show from which the pirate theme was chosen. The other themes included a fisherman character that goes on a tour of the Chesapeake Bay, a topless revue with a “Baltimore Civic History” theme, and a “Defensivus Maximus” themed show highlighting the powerful defense of the 2000 Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl team. In the end, the committee decided to stick with the pirate theme as it was more general and easier for those from out of town to understand.

The show will be free for all registered guests and each registered guest will receive a free “I Survived the Pirate Show In Baltimaaarrrrrggh!” t-shirt. The committee is hoping the show will be ready and live for the first conference in the new hotel.

Local Man Exiled From Neighborhood After Seen On Duck Boat Tour

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – Mike O’Neal was voted into exile from his Upper Fells Point community after several residents saw him participating in the Duck Boat Tour earlier this fall. The Duck Boat Tour, an excellent tourist attraction, has always been considered off-limits to permanent Baltimore residents because of the embarrassment factor in other neighborhoods.

“Mike is a good guy, but rules are rules. I mean, what if someone from Butchers Hill saw him? Then it might be assumed that all of us on this block are the types of people who would ride the Duck Boat, waving our arms around like idiots while blowing those little horn things.” said Tuck Peterson of Upper Fells Point. “The only way to make sure this doesn’t happen again is to set an example and unfortunately, that is Mike”.

Another element of the Duck Boat tour that makes it taboo among local Baltimoreans is the history aspect of it. The tour takes the passengers through the Inner Harbor, Fell Point and Canton and gives stories about the history of Charm City. Some local residents feel that Baltimore history is something a local should already know.

“If Mike was on that boat, it can only mean one of two things. One, he enjoys looking like an idiot with the arm flailing, or two, he did not pay attention in elementary school when we learned about Francis Scott Key and how the Star Spangled Banner was written. Either way, he is not fit for this block.” Peterson added.

In his own defense, Mike claimed that he was on the boat entertaining family who was in town visiting from Northern New Jersey. Mike’s brother, sister in-law, and their children were in town to see the Yankees play the O’s and he thought it would be a fun thing for them to do.

“My brother and his family had never been to Baltimore so I thought it would be a fun way for them to see as much of the waterfront as possible.” explained Mike.

However, that did not sit well with Mike’s neighbors.

“Yankees? New Jersey? Duck Boats? Well, with that combination right there, Mike is lucky to have gotten only banishment” said another neighbor on the condition of anonymity.

While Mike plans to appeal this decision by the community, no banished resident has ever had a decision overturned since Cal Ripken Jr. convinced his neighbors that he was only wearing a Red Sox hat as a joke.

Mayor O’Malley Furious Over ‘CitiStat’ Spelling Error

Hires Spelling Bee Champion As Consultant
By: Ed Mund
Crab City Hall Beat

BALTIMORE – Baltimore City Mayor Martin O’Malley was furious earlier this week when he noticed that the word “Citi” on the logo of his well-known CitiStat Program had been misspelled.

“This is absolutely unacceptable!” said O’Malley. “We pride ourselves as being the City That Reads and we cannot even spell things correctly down here at City Hall? Well, that is just plain wrong.”

When asked why it took the mayor several years to notice the spelling of “CitiStat” he replied “I figured that since the program has worked so well for us, we would at least be smart enough to spell it the right way. I mean, it’s not like it’s a tough word to spell, C-I-T-Y, City.”

While nobody inside City Hall can explain how the misspelling occurred or why it took so long for anyone to notice, sources inside City Hall believe that this issue was created by a lack of communication within the O’Malley staff. One source said, “I can’t believe that nobody ever once assumed that just maybe it was spelled like that on purpose. Maybe, since we are such a ‘cutting edge’ city government, we wanted to think outside the box a little here and deviate from the boring and traditional spelling in order to show how cutting edge we are. I mean, what idiot wouldn’t assume that at first.”

Regardless of whether it was a self-created issue or not, the O’Malley administration has responded to this by announcing that it has hired recent National Spelling Bee Champion Anurag Kashyap as a spelling consultant to ensure that no more city government logos are spelled incorrectly anymore.

“To anyone who believes we have not taken action regarding this issue, come on down to City Hall and see if you can spell better than our new consultant, but try not to let the shine of his National Spelling Bee trophy blind you.” a City Hall spokesperson said.

Kashyap was excited to get to work but added “Man, if they are spelling words like ‘City’ wrong, I have a lot of work to do.”

Kashyap comes into City Hall riding high off his National Spelling Bee Championship he won earlier this year in Washington but understands that his spelling advice is going to be crucial to the logos that hundreds of thousands of Baltimore City residents depend on. “Spelling on a stage for sport is one thing, but being able to apply my superior spelling skills in a real-life setting is much more difficult even if the words I need to monitor are idiotically simple words like ‘City’.”

Despite many pleas from the Mayor’s staff members for the Mayor to just say that he has learned that the spelling of City with an “I” was intentional, the Mayor is determined to rid City Hall of all its spelling corruption and clean up the grammatical errors that may be out there on city owned property.

Said the Mayor, “We are forgetting that there may be hundreds, even thousands of city logos that have spelling errors still out there. If they are out there, we will find them and bring them to a state of grammatical correctness”.

City Council Votes To Put City Budget Surplus Into The Inner Harbor

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore – The Baltimore City Council yesterday voted unanimously to put the 47 million dollar budget surplus into the city’s Inner Harbor in a move that ends weeks of debate as to where the surplus money should go.

While other city groups were hoping that the money would be invested into the development of blighted neighborhoods on the city’s east and west sides, others were hoping the money would go into the much-needed repairs of at least one dozen of the city’s aging public schools.

However, the City Council’s plan calls for the surplus to be converted into quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, put into yellow 50 gallon steel drums and submersed into the Inner Harbor.

“When we said we wanted to put the money into the Inner Harbor, we meant it literally and we stand by our word.” said City Council President Sheila Dixon. “People wanted the Council to tone down our ‘political rhetoric’, so here they have it. We said we were going to do something and we will now follow through on it to the ‘T’”.

While the Council defends its proposed actions, city residents are furious at what they refer to as a “ridiculous idea”.

“This is nothing short of insane. They have finally lost it. I am still waiting for them to stand up and tell us that they were kidding and this was all a big joke” said East Baltimore resident Raymond Smith. “I really and truly have no clue as to what they are thinking. I am at a complete loss.”

In an attempt to explain the reasoning behind the Council’s choice of action, Councilman Jim Kraft said, “I don’t think that the city residents fully understand what we are doing here. The Inner Harbor has been a key factor in the revitalization of our downtown and waterfront areas. Now, we are giving back to the Harbor what we feel it has given to us for over 25 years.”

When asked about the Council’s decision, Mayor Martin O’Malley’s office responded saying “They want to put 47 million in change into the Inner Harbor? Yeah, that’s about right. We stopped paying attention to what the Council was doing months ago because we knew this day would come and we wanted nothing to do with it. So, they finally lost it, huh?”

When asked whether the Mayor’s Office would step in to prevent this from happening, the spokesperson said, “No, we’ll just shut up and veto it like any normal oxygen-breathing, half-witted human being would and make them look like a bunch nit-wits. Standard procedure. City residents have nothing to worry about.”

After investigating other City Council Bills that were passed but vetoed by the mayor and spawned from literal translations of suggested solutions to city problems, the Crab found Bills that included plans to fill potholes with old pennies, throw quarters at vacant homes, and to mop the streets with Mr. Clean. None of these bills ever were signed and never made it into City Code.

Steinbrenner Goes Right To Work On Baltimore City Schools

New School Superintendent Promises Restructuring To Be Done "My Way"
By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore - Newly elected Baltimore City School superintendent and owner of the New York Yankees George Steinbrenner wasted no time when he showed up for his first day of his new role. Calling the current public school situation a "total log-jam of idiocy", he went to work right away in an area he knows best, personnel changes. By noon, 45 central administrators, 26 teachers, 15 principals, and 27 school office secretaries were fired and humiliated publicly.

"These people are useless and, therefore, I have absolutely no time for them.", said Steinbrenner, who opted not to speak via a Baltimore City Schools spokesperson, because he fired him. "The fact that these people actually were trusted with educating or facilitating the education of Baltimore's children is nothing short of frightening. This round of firings is just the beginning."

While no new hires have been announced yet, sources close to The Crab have speculated that Steinbrenner is interested in some veteran county teachers, who recently have filed for school transfers. Some of these free-agent teachers include a fourth grade teacher from Overlea who is known for her skills in sustaining classroom order well past lunchtime into the 2 pm hour. Another possible move could be to sign a P.E. teacher from Catonsville known for his ability to get even the fattest and laziest students motivated to play sports and get healthy. Finally, this source claims Steinbrenner has interest in an assistant principal that he claims "has been groomed perfectly and is ready for the big leagues now."

Of course, acquisitions like this do not come cheap and there is a level of risk involved, but these risks do not phase Steinbrenner.

"I traded for A-Rod and now he's one of the best. I signed up guys like Sheffield and Randy Johnson who are dominant. I know this game well and the schools need some big names in order to turn around this mess." claimed Steinbrenner.

Another module of the schools to which Steinbrenner plans on hiring is the top tier of central administration jobs. He has always been known to hire the brightest and best in the front-office and plans to continue that trend in the schools.

"I demand loyalty and excellence. If you don't give me both of those, at all times, you will be fired and I will be on the phone with the newspapers and the radio talk-shows telling the entire region what a moron you really are. In other words, if you work for me, you better bring your A-Game."
explained Steinbrenner, who shortly after referred to his newly fired spokesman as a "garbling fool".

While the long-term impact of these moves and future moves is difficult to gauge, one thing is for sure; the days of incompetence, political patronage, and all out dysfunctionality appear to be over at the Baltimore City Public Schools.

Editorial: I Wish I Was a Ray

By: Flippy The Dolphin
Aquarium Performer

Before I get going on this rant, I want to make it clear that I DO realize how high-profile my job is and how important I am to getting people in the doors at the aquarium in Baltimore. That being said, I hate my job and quite frankly, I wish I was a ray. Why? Well, for starters, have you seen the size of the tank the rays have compared to how big they are? It’s massive. Now, I know that we dolphins have a big tank but it’s because we have a stadium but there is a big difference between a stadium and a plain old big tank.

The rays just get to swim around in their tank all day and once in a while they will have to perform for some kid who just happens to be standing there watching them. Now, when the rays have to “perform”, the bar is set much lower than for us. A ray only has to do that thing where he claps his fin against the side of the tank. That alone will be enough for the people watching to be amazed. For us to amaze the crowd, we need to jump through hoops up in the air and use our radar to find things while blindfolded. And, God forbid, we should mess up once and hear the “Aaawwww” of disappointment from the crowd. The rays never hear that. And what is with that anyway? Nothing makes my blow-hole angrier than some fat kid sitting in the front who is pissed that I couldn’t pull off my trick. I wish I could talk so I could yell, “Hey! Fatty! I’d like to see you come in here and jump 30 feet to touch that orb above the pool. You probably couldn’t get a foot out of the water!”

I’m sorry for that. I got a little off track there, but, my point still remains that the rays don’t have to put up with that. All they have to do is swim around and clap their fins once in a while. To me, that is the life. Most dolphins, especially those in show business, always talk about how much they want to be famous and be the next Flipper, but, not me. I just want the simple life with no pressure and little expectations, just like the rays have.