Talks Between The New York Times and Baltimore Crab Fall Apart

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE / NEW YORK – Talks about the New York Times Company purchasing local fake news source, The Baltimore Crab, fell apart this week after two months of negotiations. Sources close to both sides of the negotiations claim that the purchasing price was the main roadblock preventing a deal from being struck.

“We just could not come to an agreement on a fair purchasing price,” said Crab Publisher Matt Patton.

The Baltimore Crab, which scored local popularity at the end of 2005 after an article about the joke rag ran in the Baltimore Sun, stopped publication when the prospects of a purchase by the Times became a possibility. Patton says that all available resources were taken away from the publication of bullshit news stories and out squarely into the merger negotiations.

“I was after the money, who cares about the stories?,” Patton explained. “Coming up with fake news is a pain in the ass and not very much fun. Since one out of every hundred stories actually makes people laugh, its not very rewarding at all.”

Patton goes on to say that since the possibility of a buyout is no longer on the table, there is nothing else to do but to keep on writing half-witted false news stories.

“Well, I guess we’ll just go back to doing what we do best, well, what we sort of adequately do, and that is writing and publishing,” he explained. “Maybe the Washington Post or Los Angeles Times may be interested if we can score another story in the Sun or maybe the Examiner, who knows?”

With the upcoming elections, including the already hot Governor’s race in Maryland, there is much too mock in the area and the Crab hopes to capitalize on those opportunities.

While the details of the failed negotiations were not made public, anonymous sources inside both parties did divulge the figures.

“The major roadblock was that the Crab wanted 50 bucks and for the Times to pick the tab at the hotel bar, but the Times refused to pay the tab,” the source said.

Editorial: Regardless of What Happens, I’m Gonna Complain Anyway

By: Over-Educated Guy
Special to The Crab

You know, I was thinking, like I always do, about the things I love to complain about when I had, what alcoholics refer to as, a moment of clarity. What became so clear is the fact that I could not come up with any side of any issue that I wouldn’t complain about. I love bitching and complaining, no matter what the topic is.

Part of it is because I’m arrogant. I have nine college degrees and I have read over 10,000 books on my own time. I read newspapers, magazines, blogs and internet chat boards and I really get emotional about what I read. I am always right and since I am always right, I can complain about anything and never be wrong.

I live in Butchers Hill. I complain about everything in Butchers Hill. I complain about the crime and how the neighborhood needs to be cleaned up, but then I complain about the developers who actually attempt to clean the neighborhood up. I say things like “we need more police protection, but I don’t want them to arrest anyone on the street and I don’t want camera surveillance.”

I love to preserve ancient history. I want houses to be fixed on the outside, but when people do things like add color to the woodwork or a fancy light fixture, I protest the construction then I call the CRAP, I mean CHAP, until they rag the homeowner into submission. I’m just a pain in the ass like that.

If someone wants to build a roof-deck, I’m 8 feet up their ass making sure it’s done correctly and according to standards, that I, not we, I feel are appropriate. And so help me if you build a doghouse. I will not only call the city until they send out a brigade, I will post nasty things on internet chat boards with witty sayings like “What is this, Doghouse Hill? Doghouses on roofs mean the neighborhoods going to the dogs.”

You see, it’s not my fault. I just have an ego the size of Camden Yards.

I need a place to vent this education and these emotions I feel about these things that don’t even concern me. It doesn’t matter what happens. If you listen to me, then I will complain that you didn’t listen to me close enough.

My only advice is to ignore me, insult me and if need be, tell me to go (you know what) myself, because if it’s going on in my neighborhood, I am going to complain about it and I aint shutting up anytime soon. That’s right, I said aint, its actually an old English word that does make sense, because I said so.

Crab Shorts

HABC Yard Sale A Total Failure

The attempt by the Housing Authority of Baltimore City to save money on the removal of old furniture and appliances from the soon to be demolished Chapel NDP Apartment Complex turned out to be a gargantuan waste of time as nobody seemed to buy any of the items or the idea in general.

“I guess there isn’t a strong demand for a bunch of old used crap that doesn’t work.” said a spokesman for the HABC.


Small Duncan Street Park Picked For New Monument

The small picturesque park located on Duncan Street has been picked as the home for the new Monument that will serve as a dedication to modern thought. The monument will read “Around Here, Common Sense Did Once Live”.


So Damn Windy, People Done Forgot How Damn Cold It Was

With the heavy winds that blew through the Baltimore Area this past weekend, sources close to the Crab confirm that the 40-50 MPH gusts made people forget how friggen cold it was outside.

Zoning Intelligence Agency (ZIA) Chalks Up Another Successful Covert Op

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL – The rogue underground citizen group known as the Zoning Intelligence Agency, or ZIA, celebrated another successful operation as its crusade against the tyranny of roof-top doghouses and excess inches on additions reaches a critical stage in the Southeast Baltimore neighborhood of Butchers Hill.

“We have stuck again into the hearts of the monsters that bring in the wave of tyrannical structures and eye-sores known as dog-houses,” said a member of the ZIA on the condition that his codename, Dumfuque, only be used. “This latest victory proves further that nobody can make improvements to any home in this neighborhood unless we approve, or else, what happened today will happen to them as well.”

The action taken, referred to by Dumfuque, is referred to as a covert op by members of this group. However, all the operation really entails is a 30 minute research session into the permits pulled for the address, followed by an anonymous call the city zoning board for review.

“We serve our community as warriors for the people,” said another ZIA member who goes by Diquewede. “We sacrifice ourselves and our time so that no citizen has to be terrorized by an addition that may or may not be visible from their windows.”

Although Diquewede and Dumfuque both insist that the operations that the ZIA engage in always bring results favorable to their cause, sources inside the Zoning Board tell the Crab just the opposite.

“Most of the time, these clowns are just complaining about perfectly legal and legitimate building activities,” said the source. “I wish these clowns would find a hobby or clean up their own houses or something somewhat constructive.”

The ZIA had something different to say regarding their successes.

“We serve as the eyes on the ground in the neighborhood that see things and hear things the city wishes it could,” said Dumfuque. “We do things like survey from roof-tops, follow construction trucks, and covertly interrogate contractors when they are getting coffee and donuts at Royal Farms or Starbucks. We are like Batman for preservationists.”

While the disagreement about the actual accomplishments of this group of citizens with excess time on their hands rages on, the ZIA pledges to keep looking and reporting and to keep growing by finding any and all additional Dumfuques and Diquewedes out there.

Lack of Street Surveillance Cameras Violating Personal Publicity

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE - While most recent attention has been given to the installation of closed-circuit surveillance cameras in many Baltimore neighborhoods and the questions regarding personal privacy, little to no attention has been given opposite issue where the lack of these cameras is violating personal publicity.

"Personal publicity is a sacred thing in our society," said John, a Butchers Hill resident and proponent of CCTV cameras. "With no cameras on the street corners, how can we stay public as citizens."

Most proponents of CCTV cameras argue that the rights of every Baltimorean to be publicly surveyed are being infringed upon and that because of this infringement, their image is not being publicly viewed and therefore nobody knows about the good things they do in public places.

"Hey, I have a great walking style and I look good when I walk," John continued. "When I walk, I want people to see me walk. Also, I am a model dog owner that always picks up the poop after Rex takes care of business, and I want the powers that be to know that."

Others, who are proponents of the cameras, are those who believe that CCTV cameras will foster good dressing in the communities.

"If you knew you were being watched, wouldn't you want to look presentable?" said Gretchen, a Fells Point resident. "I think that if everyone knew they were being filmed, they would always make sure they look good and that would lead to a society of thin, good-looking, and well-dressed people."

In other neighborhoods, the appearance of resentment towards privacy advocates is popping up in some discussions regarding the cameras. These residents claim that the privacy argument is one lead by predominately ugly people.

"Come on now, what if athletes and politicians and Hollywood stars tried to claim privacy? Everyone would laugh," said Charles, a Canton resident and proponent of the cameras. "I think it's a jealousy thing. With cameras rolling around the neighborhoods, there is a lot of pressure to do well and look good, and the privacy geeks just can't live up to that pressure because quite frankly, they are not very good looking."

The fact remains that proponents of CCTV cameras installed in Baltimore neighborhoods feel that just as people have the right to privacy, they also have the right to publicity. While the debate carries on, only a few neighborhoods in the city have the privilege of strutting for the cameras and showing the world that it is not them who is neglecting to pick their dog's poop.

Controversy on The Hill (Part 3) - Local Resident’s Claim for Stupidity Denied

Peers Say He Is Already Too Stupid

By: John and Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writers

BUTCHERS HILL – In a move seen as very out of the ordinary, a group of Butchers Hill residents have denied a fellow resident’s claim for stupidity amid grounds that he is already too stupid.

The decision comes after the claim was made regarding an argument over zoning practices and general neighborhood philosophy.

During a community debate a few weeks ago, the resident jumped to the defense of a homeowner who had objected to an addition being built by a local developer next to the homeowner’s property. In the debate, the man called developers a “nuisance” and a threat to the neighborhood. What he didn’t realize was that the very person he was defending was a developer whose property in question was a three unit rental property. Upon realization of that fact, he claimed stupidity.

“I really didn’t know, honestly,” said the resident who wishes to remain anonymous. “I really thought that this person was a homeowner who lived in the neighborhood.”

Immediately, however, his peers rejected his claim for stupidity claiming that he should have verified his facts before taking his position.

“Not this time. He has said some dumb things for which we have approved his claim for stupidity in the past, but if we don’t reject him at some point, how will he learn?” said one neighbor. “He has a track record of running his mouth without thinking, then just claiming stupidity to let himself off the hook. In my mind, he already too stupid.”

Other incidents described by the other residents include the stupid neighbor cheering for the Yankees but claiming he thought the Orioles were batting and yelling at a neighbor for being loud while he himself was operating a leaf blower.

“Ok, those times I really did have a lapse in judgment, just like this time, so why does this time have to be different?” asked the resident.

The only answer that the group came up with was, “Because this time we can confirm that you are a moron,” as explained by one member.

When leaving, the stupid resident was asked if he thought he was stupid. He responded by “pleading the fifth”.

That claim was also denied.

James Olsen contributed to this article.

This concludes the three part series. Happy New Year! From the Crab.

Controversy on The Hill (Part 2) – Residents Beginning To Regret Shutting Strip Club Down

Say They Were Brainwashed By Neighborhood Groups

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL / FELLS POINT – In an admission of guilt, a group of residents that originally were a part of an effort to get rid of a local strip club are now calling their actions “a big mistake”.

“I don’t know what we were thinking,” said one of these residents. “I guess you really don’t know how good you had it until it is gone.”

This admission comes after the club, located on Eastern Ave in Upper Fells Point, has been non-operational for almost two months.

“One Saturday, we were sitting around and nothing was on TV when someone suggested we go to a skin-bar,” explained one resident. “That’s when we realized that we had shut down the only joint within walking distance. We immediately looked at each other and said ‘What have we done?’”

The club had come under tremendous pressure from residents in surrounding blocks who were complaining about everything from noise coming from the club to alleged “illegal lap-dancing” occurring inside.

The efforts were taken up by several community action groups including the Fells Point and Butchers Hill Community Associations who were trying to lobby the city to have th club’s liquor license revoked. The group of residents regretting these actions was originally involved with the associations’ efforts.

“They had us brainwashed that if we didn’t get this club out of here that we were going to be all sent to certain damnation,” said the same resident. “They said things like ‘Your house won’t be worth two cents if you allow a strip club to be this close,’ I just didn’t know what to do.”

Now, many residents are starting to think they have done more harm than good by driving the club out of business.

“For one thing, it’s less tax revenue,” declared the same resident. “But most importantly, if I want to get drunk and see naked women, I need to take a cab to one of those clubs on Broadway, when I used to be able to just walk to the club and stumble home.”

While most of these residents missing the club are men, there are some women who also share the same sentiments about the club.

“Hey, who said women can enjoy watching other women dance?” said one female resident. “I loved going there and I miss it as much as any man does.”

When calls were placed to the leadership of both associations asking about the brainwashing claims and how they gained proof of their lap-dancing claims, no comment was given.

“I guess they must have seen it ‘first-hand’,” said the regretful resident. “But in any case, screw them because having no skin-bar close by sucks big time. I am so sorry for what I did.”

This is part 2 of a 3 part series.

Controversy on The Hill (Part 1) - Butchers Hill Saddened As Apartments May Lose “Luxury” Status

Owner Fights Rogue Addition

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL – In an event that has an entire neighborhood, or at least a few members, saddened and nervous, a row-home containing three apartments may lose luxury status on all three.

“This is horrible, just horrible,” said the owner of the Washington Street apartments. “I almost cannot talk about this because that is how upset I get.”

While the condition of the apartments is not changing and the rent price is not dropping, the third-story apartment may lose its water-view due to an addition being put on the home next door. That addition is claimed to have been built without proper zoning and the owner plans on fighting the addition based on that claim.

“I will fight this will all of my power,” declared the homeowner. “Someone just waltzes in here and builds an addition and puts a $500,000 price tag on the house? Not in my backyard they don’t!”

When asked if the motivation for fighting this addition was based on the ability to continuously raise the rents by claiming a water-view, the resident became visibly angry.

“It’s not about the money, and I am insulted and hurt that you would imply that,” claimed the owner. “Even though I don’t even live there, the water-view is very important to me because it is a beautiful view. I have worked hard to make those apartment luxurious and you don’t have the right to build a place equally as nice right next to mine without a fight.”

Other Butchers Hill residents immediately came to the defense of the homeowner claiming that the owner has a right to make money on the home, even though the owner claims that the issue is not money.

“Why can’t they make money on their investment,” said one resident. “I mean, but….the…I know it’s not about the money, but…..it’s just wrong to build that addition.”

While the builder of the addition could not be reached for comment, sources inside the Butchers Hill neighborhood do claim a country-club culture that has spread among its most tenured residents.

“People who have lived here for the longest can't make up their mind about what they want except that they want all the power as to what goes on.” said one insider. “They complain about crime, but won’t allow cameras. They complain about blighted housing but give developers hell. However, if they want to do something, then it’s OK, just like a country club, the longer you have been here, the more say you have and more entitlement you claim. It’s ass-backwards.”

As the debate continues, the luxury status hangs in the balance for those apartments and it is not settling well.

“It would just be absolutely tragic if those apartments, built way back before this neighborhood was popular, were allowed to become just ordinary,” said one tearful resident. “All because some developer wants to make the house next to it look nice.”

Baltimore’s friendliest neighborhood remains entrenched in controversy.

This is part 1 of a 3 part series.

Ehrlich Hires “Technologically Challenged” Campaign Director

Campaign Still Worried About Self Given Nickname

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In a move seen as preventative and necessary, Governor Ehrlich hired a new director for his upcoming gubernatorial campaign based on the fact that he doesn’t know what the internet is or even how to use a computer.

Bo Harmon, a veteran Republican political operative, seemed an attractive choice for the Ehrlich ’06 campaign because of his successful campaigns in the past as well as the fact that he doesn’t know a blog from a hole in the wall.

“Mr. Harmon brings high skills in political campaigning and low skills in computers,” said a spokesman from Ehrlich ’06. “While we know he will be crafting campaign message, we also can be assured his will not be gossiping in chat rooms since he barely knows what a computer does or even how to turn one on.”

The hiring of Harmon is seen by some as a reassurance that there will be no more episodes of internet gossiping about the other candidates’ personal lives such as the actions of Ehrlich’s former top advisor, Joseph Steffen.

“In our interview with Mr. Harmon, we asked if he thought Mayor O’Malley was a sharp dresser or if County Executive Duncan’s hair-style was simply fabulous,” said the Ehrlich spokesman. “He said he didn’t have an opinion so we figure he is not a gossiper.”

The one thing that still concerns some of the governor’s top advisors is the fact that Harmon, like Steffen, has a self given nickname. While Steffen went by the “Prince of Darkness” (recently downgraded to “Prince of Early Dusk”), Harmon goes by “Lord of The Underground”.

Harmon proclaimed himself by that name after his campaign for Saxby Chambliss against Senator Max Cleland, a campaign that some Democratic counterparts called despicable.

“Mr. Harmon plays hardball, we don’t deny that but the nickname thing is something we will just have to ease our way out of,” said the spokesman. “For now we are going to go with it, but every week we want to downplay it, so like next week, we will start calling him ‘Mayor of the Underground’ and so on, until we reach a point where we can call him ‘Director’.”

Although it cannot be confirmed, sources close to the hiring of Mr. Harmon do claim that he showed up for his interview holding a lit flashlight under his chin and referred to himself as “His Lordship”. Campaign officials deny that claim.

Republicans Say Democrats Playing Politics Amid Veto Override Threats; Democrats Say “No Shit!”

Response Unleashes Freakish Wave of Honesty

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In a statement released this week by state Republican leaders in Annapolis, they accuse Democrats in the House and Senate of playing politics amid chatter of a plan to override vetoes that Governor Ehrlich plans to exercise.

“These plans to override the Governor’s vetoes are nothing short of playing a political game to get attention going into this next legislative session,” read one of these statements. “The Democrats are just trying to grab the spotlight.”

In a surprising response, Democratic leaders agreed with the statements released by the Republicans.

“No shit,” said one spokesman. “Of course we are playing politics, and of course we are trying to grab spotlight heading into next session. We are politicians, this is what we do. What would the Republicans do if they were in our situation?; Oh wait! They are in the same situation in Washington so I guess that are purposely playing dumb.”

In another stunning response, Republican leaders agreed with the comments from the Democratic spokesman.

“Of course we are playing dumb on purpose, we are politicians who are in the minority party right now, this is what we do,” said a Republican spokesman. “The only reason he even said that about us is to try to put us on the constant defensive, that’s all that is going on here.”

Once again, the Democratic spokesman agreed with everything the Republican spokesman said.

“Your damn right we are trying to put them on the defensive, we are the majority, this is what we do when we want the attention that I already admitted that we are trying to get,” said the Democratic spokesman. “And before he says it, YES, we are trying to secretly push our agenda underneath all of this political activity.”

The pre-emptive admission of the agenda pushing left the Republican spokesman with no further statements.

“He already admitted to the hidden political agenda thing?” asked the Republican spokesman. “Hmmm, I guess I got nothing then.”

Stunned by the Republican spokesman’s silence, the Democratic spokesman also had no points left to make.

“He had nothing?” he said before a long awkward silence. “Ok, what’s on TV?”

Even though there was no resolution to the actual veto issues at hand, the unusual wave of honesty managed to silence both parties for the rest of the day.

First Debate Between O’Malley and Duncan To Be Madden Football Game

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – In a move that some are referring to as bold politics, campaign staff members from both the O’Malley and Duncan campaigns confirmed that the first gubernatorial debate between the two men will, in fact, not be a traditional debate, but a heads up match playing Madden 2006 for Playstation2.

“We felt that this was a great opportunity to show Marylanders that the mayor is not only a great leader from a managerial standpoint, but also a great leader in the field of play,” said a spokesperson from the Baltimore mayor’s gubernatorial campaign. “The mayor is confident that his analytical skills and swift hand to eye coordination will resonate well with voters.”

The Duncan gubernatorial campaign is using this first debate format to convey a message of speed and strength.

“Like football, leading a state requires strength and speed,” said a Duncan campaign spokesperson. “This game will prove to this great state and its citizens that County Executive Duncan has the strength to lead and the speed to react, both of which are required attributes of a great governor.”

This agreement was reached following weeks of bickering between campaigns on how they were going to kick off the primary season for the Democratic gubernatorial nod.

While the rules of the game have not been formally released, sources close both campaigns have informed the Crab that the game settings are still in negotiation. One source claims that one possible bottleneck is the game speed setting and the penalty sensitivity setting. This source also says that the two camps are close to an agreement on whether to play ten minute quarters or fifteen minute quarters.

One thing the Crab can confirm is that the Mayor O’Malley will be playing as the Baltimore Ravens while County Executive Duncan will be playing as the Washington Redskins. The Crab has also learned that an earlier disagreement about whether the game was to be played on Xbox or Playstation2 almost derailed the negotiations before the camps agreed on Playstation2.

Video game popularity being so high has experts already analyzing the pre-game probabilities.

“One thing we need to keep in mind here is that Madden teams’ strengths and weaknesses are always based on the previous year’s team stats,” said one Madden expert. “Just because the Redskins have a better record this year doesn’t mean that they have a better Madden team. I think that the County Executive better keep that in mind.”

Since no date or venue has been formally set by either campaign, no major trash talking has erupted, but both spokespeople did have similar messages for each other in the tune of “Let’s get it on punk!”

James Olsen also contributed to this article.

New Aquarium Australian Exhibit to Include An Outback Steakhouse

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

PRATT STREET – Officials from the National Aquarium in Baltimore announced that the new Australian exhibit will soon include the United States’ most treasured Australian gem, an Outback Steakhouse.

“We feel that in order for the aquarium’s new exhibit to fulfill all of its potential as genuine Australian, an Outback is the best thing to add,” said a spokesperson from the aquarium. “There really is nothing else that is truly vintage Australian than a walk through the various Australian habitats followed by a strip steak with a blooming onion.”

While aquarium officials see this as a great step forward in the opening of the new exhibit, which has already been delayed, other aquarium supporters and patrons are seeing this as a move that will steal attention away from the exhibit itself.

“We want people to come to this exhibit to learn and enjoy the new exhibit, not to just be excited that there is an Outback they can go to after they are through,” said one aquarium supporter who opposes the Outback in the aquarium. “If you bring kids to this, the only thing they will think about the whole time will be ‘When can we go to Outback’.”

Others who oppose the Outback being built in the aquarium argue that the mere presence of it will dumb down the aquarium as a whole.

“Come on, the Outback Steakhouse? This is ridiculous. This would be like putting an Olive Garden at a Picasso Exhibit in the Baltimore Museum of Art,” said one patron. “It’s a gaudy thing to have in such a nice place as the aquarium.”

Even though the debate continues and no construction has begun on the restaurant, the proposed location for the restaurant is immediately following the new exhibit tour where the restaurant’s waiting area would also serve as the exhibit's gift shop. Another element of the Outback proposal would be servers throughout the exhibit serving complimentary samples of the blooming onion and coconut shrimp.

Crab Sports Report: Perlozzo Successfully Informs Flanagan That Tejada Is O’s Best Player

By: Roger Flinnery
Crab Sports Writer

CAMDEN YARDS – Orioles Manager Sam Perlozzo has successfully informed General Manager Mike Flanagan that Miguel Tejada is, in fact, not only a good baseball player, but the best player on the team. This revelation comes after Tejada hinted that he wanted to be traded from the club as he is unhappy with the Orioles’ direction as team.

“General Manager Flanagan is now aware of the importance of Miguel Tejada to this team and will now accordingly try to solve this current problem with Miguel.” said a spokesman from the GM’s Office. “Also, the GM does now understand that he does need to talk to Miguel and perhaps maybe do things that would indicate that the Orioles are moving in a direction other than reverse.”

According to sources close to the team, Sam Perlozzo became suspicious after various reports had surfaced that Miguel did request a trade and that Mike Flanagan seemed to have done nothing about it. Acting on a hunch, Perlozzo contacted Flanagan informing him that Miguel is the center of progress for the team and that the easiest way to inform Miguel, as well as all of Baltimore, that the Orioles are moving in a forward direction is to keep Tejada in an O’s uniform.

The O’s spokesperson also reiterated that the General Manager now has a firm grasp on all of the Orioles’ personnel assets and which of those players are definite keepers.

“We now have a memo being circulated around the front office with some very important phrases such as ‘Tejada=Good, Roberts=Good, Mora=Good, Bedard=Good, Lopez=Good’ and so on”.

The spokesperson declared that this new method of communication will prevent another episode of confusion if another key member of the team wants to be traded.

While the Tejada issue still remains unresolved, it is now confirmed that the Orioles’ front office does realize that Miguel is a good player and that it is important that he remain an Oriole.

Towson Parking Sign Has Everyone Confused

By: Traveling Man
Crab Travel Editor

TOWSON – A parking sign located on the campus of Saint Joseph’s Hospital has everyone baffled. The sign, located in the parking lot of the Professional Centre, lets drivers know that only patients can park in that particular lot. The sign, however, contains quotations around the word ‘only’. Nobody who has seen the sign can figure out why that word would be in quotes.

“I’m not quite sure what to make of this.” said a security officer who patrols the campus looking for parking violations. “I don’t think that I have ever used the finger quotation motions for that word.”

The fact that the word contains quotes is also causing a stir amongst drivers on the campus because some are interpreting the sign as ambiguous and unclear.

“No, I am not a patient at this Professional Centre and no I am not moving my car because I think the sign is ambiguous.” said one motorist who parked in the lot. “When you quote a word like that, you are saying it has a meaning other than its obvious meaning. I choose to have it mean ‘Just Kidding’. Who can prove that it doesn’t?”

Many employees and patients of the Professional Centre are outraged that people would read into this so much and use it as an excuse to park illegally.

“Come on! Do we really need to have this conversation? I mean what the hell else could the word mean other than ONLY?” said one employee. “The sign means don’t park there unless you are a patient. What jerk looks at this and says, ‘Well it says only so only is in quotes so it must mean something different’?”

Others, including the security officer disagree.

“I mean my hands are tied here. If you walked into a bar that had a sign that said ‘NO’ Smoking, I’ll bet you would light up right away and argue your case about the sign.”

While the debate continues, the only thing that both sides here can agree on is that they are all lucky that the campus has no “STOP” signs.

Study Finds Link Between City Smog and Dollar Crab Nights

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – An independent environmental research group has filed a report with the EPA claiming a direct link between Baltimore air pollution and dollar crab nights at local bars and crab houses. The reports also mentions that the addition of dollar draft beers to the dollar crab specials is a major contributor as well.

“Well, do I have to spell it out? Think about what crabs and warm draft beer does to you the next morning.” said a spokesperson for the group. “Ok, now picture thousands of people experiencing the same thing week in and week out. That is enough methane to be a major problem.”

Dollar crab nights are a Baltimore tradition that date back multiple generations and most Baltimoreans do not feel that the environmental threat of the escalated methane gas levels warrant the suspension or discontinuation of this tradition.

“Are you kidding me? I would give up my fireplace and my truck before I gave up dollar crabs and beers.” declared one Sparrows Point Resident who just goes by Big J. “The way I figure is that beer farts can’t be worse for the air than the old steel plant and that plant aint even running anymore.”

The environmental group disputes that claim.

“Have you ever had the post dollar crab night beer farts? They last all day long and they are nothing short of oppressive to the air.” said the same spokesperson. “100,000 residents having various degrees of this day-long condition, in my opinion, can have a huge impact on the air. The effect should not be underestimated.”

While there is no word yet if the EPA will take action to curb the high doses of methane that fill the air on different mornings in different neighborhoods, sources inside the EPA’s Washington office can confirm that the EPA did take action in various cities that have had issues with mornings after dollar Buffalo wings and beer night.

The only thing that remains certain in this debate is that a night of steamed crabs and warm draft beer will always predictably yeild the same results, environmental threat or not.

Carroll County Students Not Reading This Article Right Now

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Education Reporter

CARROLL COUNTY – Carroll County Public School students are not reading this article right now because it was banned from being viewed in the schools’ libraries and computer labs. After recent stories published by the Crab involving severe gluttony, political mythological parody, and general free thought, the Carroll County schools' administration decided to ban this publication deeming it inappropriate for viewing on school grounds. The administration feels that humor and fun has no place on the computer screens of any of its schools.

The Crab is not the first casualty of the “Get Tough on Fun” campaign taking place in schools as the administration has recently banned a popular book about an overweight girl who struggles to fit in at her school. The administration apparently felt that the book was too far apart from reality. Sources close to the administration said that it finds it almost impossible to believe that any of its students would be overweight or have trouble fitting in with the social scenes at school.

The source close to the situation also claims that the administration is considering passing measures that would virtually ban students from reading any written prose other than the school handbook, the Bible, and anything published by Pre-Pixar Disney.

School officials were not called by this publication for comment as they wouldn’t even be allowed to read their comments anyway.

While the Carroll County Schools rush to ban these corrupt pieces of literature, the rest of Maryland schools and most of the country’s schools are still allowing inappropriate pieces such as “Harry Potter”, “The Lord of The Rings”, “The Barenstein Bears”, “Encyclopedia Brown”, “The Hardy Boys”, and the controversial “Babysitter’s Club” to corrupt the minds of innocent students who just want to read to have fun.

Since there appear to be no overweight students making light of their social problems in any Carroll County school, it appears that the schools have dodged a huge problem by banning these pieces of writing just early enough before that issue sets in amongst the student body, who is not even reading this article right now.

Editorial: I Ate Like 25 Berger Cookies and I’m Still Not Sick

By: Ray-Ray
Local Crazy College Student

Like two years ago, when I was a freshman, a couple of my friends dared me to try to eat 6 saltines in under a minute. I had 5 completely finished with 15 seconds to go but couldn’t finish off the sixth one. I was bummed.

The next year, they dared to try to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Of course, I tried it because I am totally insanely crazy, but I only got 15 minutes in before I yacked all over the place. Again, I was totally bummed.

Now, my time has come. I just got done eating 25 berger cookies in a row and I am not even feeling the least bit sick. Actually, I feel great. That has got to be some sort of record or at least some sort of local triumph because these things are basically just like eating a huge pile of sugar with sugary chocolate on top. I mean these things make your teeth hurt when you eat one, let alone 25. I’m actually quite stoked.

Now, my only problem is I need to get my friends to dare me to do this. I mean, if I just break out the bergers one night say, “Hey, dudes, I can eat 25 of these things and not get sick,”, they will be like “So what?” and it won’t be considered a crazy thing to do and as we all know, I’m crazy and extreme and will do anything on a dare.

So, the plan is this. I need to get my bros to eat a few of these things, taste how sweet they are and get them to dare me to eat a bunch in a row. Hopefully, they will dare me to eat only like 15 and then I will pound 25 and they will think I am even crazier. Stoked!

The cookies are sitting all over the place in the apartment and just waiting for one of my dudes to pick one up and try it. Man, this is going to be way better than the saltine thing and the milk thing combined. This may even be better than the time I tried to chug Tabasco mized with warm cheap whiskey. Man, I am so nuts. Awesome. This plan is crazy, so crazy it just might work. There is no way I won’t be called the craziest guy to ever walk this campus. Stoked!

New Traffic Proposal Calls for Double-Decker Beltway

Public Transportation Upgrade Seen As 'Infeasible'

By: John and Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writers

BALTIMORE – Not to be outdone by the new $23 million pledge from Baltimore City Hall to upgrade downtown traffic patterns, the county government is now calling for a total upgrade on the Beltway. This upgrade includes the construction of an upper deck over the current highway.

“It just makes sense. If we add lanes, traffic is better for only a few months. But if we add a whole new beltway in addition to the current one, it may get better for a few years and that would be something,” said a spokesperson from the County Transportation Administration. “I actually think it’s brilliant, instead of an inner loop and outer loop, it’ll be an upper loop and lower loop.”

When asked about the costs of this proposal as compared to an investment into a public transportation system connecting county suburbs and the city the same spokesman said, “We have looked into that as a possible solution, but feel that it is infeasible to build a rail system as compared to building a gigantic highway on top of another one. The beltway idea makes way more sense.”

The spokesperson also described a double-decker beltway as having endless positives aside from temporary easing of traffic volume. One of these positives mentioned is the ability to avoid rain by driving on the lower loop when it is raining.

“Also, with a covered lower loop, this will save the county some money every winter because we won’t have to plow or salt it,” the spokesperson explained. “With people sticking the lower loop, they may need to drive longer to get home, which may lead to them buying more gas, which may lead to higher tax revenues for the county and state. Meanwhile, people using the upper loop will be able to drive shorter distances, albeit in the rain, but will sit in less traffic and use less gas. You see, it all balances out.”

While nobody inside the Maryland Department of Transportation was available for comment, sources close to the D.O.T. claim the Department has “no idea what the hell the county is talking about”.

Maryland’s Political “Prince of Darkness” Downgraded To “Prince of Early Dusk”

By: James Olsen
Crab Political Reporter

ANNAPOLIS – Governor Ehrlich’s former right hand man and self proclaimed political bad-boy Joe Steffen has been officially downgraded from Prince of Darkness to Prince of Early Dusk according to several sources inside the FPRS (Fantasy Political Ranking Society). The announcement comes many months after Steffen’s firing from the Ehrlich administration and a recent interview with a local television news program.

The sources also report that his new ranking is one typically given to novice political operatives and public relations agents.

“This is not a small deal for Mr. Steffen. Early dusk is much brighter than late dusk, early evening, and nightfall. He has been bumped down several notches.” said a source inside the FPRS. “The King of Zero-Light takes these rankings very seriously and it is going to very difficult for Mr. Steffen to get back to darkness status.”

Steffen was known throughout Maryland political circles as a guy who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted in Annapolis. He was a rising star in the Republican Party and a trusted political advisor to Governor Ehrlich. Because of his “no holds barred” attitude the FPRS had authorized Mr. Steffen to proclaim himself the Prince of Darkness.

Steffen’s firing, which came earlier this year, was fueled by a Washington Post article that named Steffen as the person who was posting remarks about Baltimore’s Mayor Martin O’Malley on a political internet site.

“You see, this is what we would characterize as gossip. And according to FPRS tradition, that is more of something old retired witches do by the caldron, where a true Prince of Darkness would never be found.” said the source from the FPRS. “Spreading gossip is not something an aspiring Prince, Wizard, Emperor or King of Darkness would do and to remind Mr. Steffen, the King of Zero Light has bumped him down according to the magic code of fantasy political titles.”

While Mr. Steffen continues to try and revive his political career, he does so minus the title “Prince of Darkness”.

Local Joke Rag Gets Regional Fame; Publisher Thanks Readers

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE, MD - Local joke-rag The Baltimore Crab received regional fame Saturday when The Baltimore Sun, the paper that reports the real news, published an article about the small fledgling fake news blog. The cover story in Saturday's Maryland section of the Sun appears to have given widespread attention to the sometimes half-witted and nonsensical blog.

"Wow, first off, I can't believe people are enjoying it, I honestly thought we'd be silenced right out of town." said the publisher of the Crab. "I cannot thank my loyal readers enough, even the readers inside the branches of local government that I poke fun at."

When asked to comment on statements made in the article saying that the Crab is not hard-hitting enough, the publisher responded, "Well Ed, I guess I should ask you, James, John, Josh, and the rest of you writers that same question since your the ones writing the stories. You're lucky I didn't fire your ass already for getting banned from City Hall."

When asked about the future the publisher said that the Crab is still only in its earliest of stages and planning is already underway for a more regular content schedule and a more structured method for publishing content. "Those are the things I can control to make the Crab more enjoyable to the readers, but, as long as people read it, I will continually look to make it better, but you Ed, are on thin ice."

Sun article can be found here.