Ehrlich Plans New “Get in Shape” Program in Loom of BGE Rate Increase

James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In an attempt to make lemonade out of the bitterness of the BGE rate increase that looms over much Maryland this summer, Governor Bob Ehrlich is planning a new “get in shape” initiative that is set to take place in low-income neighborhoods around the state. While this has not been announced yet, sources claim that the plan involves the use of pedal powered generators that can produce electricity to a home when pedaled fast enough.

“The plan is to purchase these generators and loan them to low-income households as a substitute to public electricity,” the source said on the condition of anonymity. “The goal is to be able to provide a free energy source to these households while providing a good opportunity for someone to pedal these generators enough to get themselves in good physical shape.”

Although nobody from the Governor’s office was available for comment, the political implications of this secret plan have already drawn the attention and analysis from several political experts on both sides of the aisle.

“This is absolute nonsense,” said one democratic consultant. “What about at night time when air conditioning is most needed? Are people going to pedal all night long?”

Republican political operatives sang a different tune about the potential plan.

“Ben Franklin said that every problem is an opportunity in disguise and the Governor would be following that philosophy to a 'T',” said one republican consultant. “This will ease the pressure of rising electricity prices while tackling the issue of obesity in the state.”

While it is unknown if this plan will ever materialize or even be suggested by the Governor, residents are furious that it would even be talked about.

“How about protecting the people instead of BGE?” asked Michelle of West Baltimore. “How about keeping the company from ripping off the working class and working poor? I mean, next thing you know the price of bread, corn and milk will rise 72% overnight.”

A Public Service Commission regulating the food industry does not exist, yet.

State Assembly Calls In Kristi Toliver for Last Minute Legislative Heroics

By: Angela Blanc
Crab Annapolis Beat

ANNAPOLIS – The State Assembly, shackled by its inability to get important legislation passed before its session ended, called in University of Maryland Girls Basketball hero Kristi Toliver in a failed attempt to for some last minute progress to be made.

“We felt that since she can make an off-balance three with under ten seconds left in the NCAA Championship game to tie it, she can come in here with one day left and quickly solve all of our short-comings here in the State House,” said one source close to last minute legislative efforts. “Kristi shows a poise and expertise that is rarely seen around these parts.”

Among some of the legislation in question includes a bill to regulate the highly controversial BGE rate increase of 72%.

“Public opinion polls show a 99.9 % favorable rating for Kristi while the State Government is polling at about a 25 or 30% favorable,” claimed non-partisan political consultant Ryan Lake. “To me, this actually may make some sense since this shows that people in Maryland are more likely to be start-struck by Kristi than by their elected officials, and this includes the officials themselves. It’s too bad they could not get her the ball.”


Lake also went on to say that other polls he conducted show that the Lady Terps, in general, could probably stage an electoral coup this November if they so chose.

“Right now I got (Coach) Brenda Frese polling 10 points ahead of Erlich and O’Malley, Kristi Tolliver is 15 ahead of Mike Miller, and Crystal Langhorne is up almost 20 on Michael Busch,” said Lake. “Let’s face it, these girls are on top of the charts and look to be for a long time.”

Lake continued to explain Annapolis’ failure to grasp the “Overtime is Our Time” theme that Coach Frese announced to the country live on ESPN the night of the victory.

“It was right there, waiting to be used in the session. All someone had to do is say ‘Let’s get this done because Overtime is our time in Annapolis’ and they would have been put on the pedestal immediately,” Lake declared. “But, typical Annapolis, in one ear and out the other.”

Talks Between The New York Times and Baltimore Crab Fall Apart

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE / NEW YORK – Talks about the New York Times Company purchasing local fake news source, The Baltimore Crab, fell apart this week after two months of negotiations. Sources close to both sides of the negotiations claim that the purchasing price was the main roadblock preventing a deal from being struck.

“We just could not come to an agreement on a fair purchasing price,” said Crab Publisher Matt Patton.

The Baltimore Crab, which scored local popularity at the end of 2005 after an article about the joke rag ran in the Baltimore Sun, stopped publication when the prospects of a purchase by the Times became a possibility. Patton says that all available resources were taken away from the publication of bullshit news stories and out squarely into the merger negotiations.

“I was after the money, who cares about the stories?,” Patton explained. “Coming up with fake news is a pain in the ass and not very much fun. Since one out of every hundred stories actually makes people laugh, its not very rewarding at all.”

Patton goes on to say that since the possibility of a buyout is no longer on the table, there is nothing else to do but to keep on writing half-witted false news stories.

“Well, I guess we’ll just go back to doing what we do best, well, what we sort of adequately do, and that is writing and publishing,” he explained. “Maybe the Washington Post or Los Angeles Times may be interested if we can score another story in the Sun or maybe the Examiner, who knows?”

With the upcoming elections, including the already hot Governor’s race in Maryland, there is much too mock in the area and the Crab hopes to capitalize on those opportunities.

While the details of the failed negotiations were not made public, anonymous sources inside both parties did divulge the figures.

“The major roadblock was that the Crab wanted 50 bucks and for the Times to pick the tab at the hotel bar, but the Times refused to pay the tab,” the source said.