By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer
BALTIMORE / NEW YORK – Talks about the New York Times Company purchasing local fake news source, The Baltimore Crab, fell apart this week after two months of negotiations. Sources close to both sides of the negotiations claim that the purchasing price was the main roadblock preventing a deal from being struck.
“We just could not come to an agreement on a fair purchasing price,” said Crab Publisher Matt Patton.
The Baltimore Crab, which scored local popularity at the end of 2005 after an article about the joke rag ran in the Baltimore Sun, stopped publication when the prospects of a purchase by the Times became a possibility. Patton says that all available resources were taken away from the publication of bullshit news stories and out squarely into the merger negotiations.
“I was after the money, who cares about the stories?,” Patton explained. “Coming up with fake news is a pain in the ass and not very much fun. Since one out of every hundred stories actually makes people laugh, its not very rewarding at all.”
Patton goes on to say that since the possibility of a buyout is no longer on the table, there is nothing else to do but to keep on writing half-witted false news stories.
“Well, I guess we’ll just go back to doing what we do best, well, what we sort of adequately do, and that is writing and publishing,” he explained. “Maybe the Washington Post or Los Angeles Times may be interested if we can score another story in the Sun or maybe the Examiner, who knows?”
With the upcoming elections, including the already hot Governor’s race in Maryland, there is much too mock in the area and the Crab hopes to capitalize on those opportunities.
While the details of the failed negotiations were not made public, anonymous sources inside both parties did divulge the figures.
“The major roadblock was that the Crab wanted 50 bucks and for the Times to pick the tab at the hotel bar, but the Times refused to pay the tab,” the source said.
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