Ehrlich Plans New “Get in Shape” Program in Loom of BGE Rate Increase

James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In an attempt to make lemonade out of the bitterness of the BGE rate increase that looms over much Maryland this summer, Governor Bob Ehrlich is planning a new “get in shape” initiative that is set to take place in low-income neighborhoods around the state. While this has not been announced yet, sources claim that the plan involves the use of pedal powered generators that can produce electricity to a home when pedaled fast enough.

“The plan is to purchase these generators and loan them to low-income households as a substitute to public electricity,” the source said on the condition of anonymity. “The goal is to be able to provide a free energy source to these households while providing a good opportunity for someone to pedal these generators enough to get themselves in good physical shape.”

Although nobody from the Governor’s office was available for comment, the political implications of this secret plan have already drawn the attention and analysis from several political experts on both sides of the aisle.

“This is absolute nonsense,” said one democratic consultant. “What about at night time when air conditioning is most needed? Are people going to pedal all night long?”

Republican political operatives sang a different tune about the potential plan.

“Ben Franklin said that every problem is an opportunity in disguise and the Governor would be following that philosophy to a 'T',” said one republican consultant. “This will ease the pressure of rising electricity prices while tackling the issue of obesity in the state.”

While it is unknown if this plan will ever materialize or even be suggested by the Governor, residents are furious that it would even be talked about.

“How about protecting the people instead of BGE?” asked Michelle of West Baltimore. “How about keeping the company from ripping off the working class and working poor? I mean, next thing you know the price of bread, corn and milk will rise 72% overnight.”

A Public Service Commission regulating the food industry does not exist, yet.

State Assembly Calls In Kristi Toliver for Last Minute Legislative Heroics

By: Angela Blanc
Crab Annapolis Beat

ANNAPOLIS – The State Assembly, shackled by its inability to get important legislation passed before its session ended, called in University of Maryland Girls Basketball hero Kristi Toliver in a failed attempt to for some last minute progress to be made.

“We felt that since she can make an off-balance three with under ten seconds left in the NCAA Championship game to tie it, she can come in here with one day left and quickly solve all of our short-comings here in the State House,” said one source close to last minute legislative efforts. “Kristi shows a poise and expertise that is rarely seen around these parts.”

Among some of the legislation in question includes a bill to regulate the highly controversial BGE rate increase of 72%.

“Public opinion polls show a 99.9 % favorable rating for Kristi while the State Government is polling at about a 25 or 30% favorable,” claimed non-partisan political consultant Ryan Lake. “To me, this actually may make some sense since this shows that people in Maryland are more likely to be start-struck by Kristi than by their elected officials, and this includes the officials themselves. It’s too bad they could not get her the ball.”


Lake also went on to say that other polls he conducted show that the Lady Terps, in general, could probably stage an electoral coup this November if they so chose.

“Right now I got (Coach) Brenda Frese polling 10 points ahead of Erlich and O’Malley, Kristi Tolliver is 15 ahead of Mike Miller, and Crystal Langhorne is up almost 20 on Michael Busch,” said Lake. “Let’s face it, these girls are on top of the charts and look to be for a long time.”

Lake continued to explain Annapolis’ failure to grasp the “Overtime is Our Time” theme that Coach Frese announced to the country live on ESPN the night of the victory.

“It was right there, waiting to be used in the session. All someone had to do is say ‘Let’s get this done because Overtime is our time in Annapolis’ and they would have been put on the pedestal immediately,” Lake declared. “But, typical Annapolis, in one ear and out the other.”

Talks Between The New York Times and Baltimore Crab Fall Apart

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE / NEW YORK – Talks about the New York Times Company purchasing local fake news source, The Baltimore Crab, fell apart this week after two months of negotiations. Sources close to both sides of the negotiations claim that the purchasing price was the main roadblock preventing a deal from being struck.

“We just could not come to an agreement on a fair purchasing price,” said Crab Publisher Matt Patton.

The Baltimore Crab, which scored local popularity at the end of 2005 after an article about the joke rag ran in the Baltimore Sun, stopped publication when the prospects of a purchase by the Times became a possibility. Patton says that all available resources were taken away from the publication of bullshit news stories and out squarely into the merger negotiations.

“I was after the money, who cares about the stories?,” Patton explained. “Coming up with fake news is a pain in the ass and not very much fun. Since one out of every hundred stories actually makes people laugh, its not very rewarding at all.”

Patton goes on to say that since the possibility of a buyout is no longer on the table, there is nothing else to do but to keep on writing half-witted false news stories.

“Well, I guess we’ll just go back to doing what we do best, well, what we sort of adequately do, and that is writing and publishing,” he explained. “Maybe the Washington Post or Los Angeles Times may be interested if we can score another story in the Sun or maybe the Examiner, who knows?”

With the upcoming elections, including the already hot Governor’s race in Maryland, there is much too mock in the area and the Crab hopes to capitalize on those opportunities.

While the details of the failed negotiations were not made public, anonymous sources inside both parties did divulge the figures.

“The major roadblock was that the Crab wanted 50 bucks and for the Times to pick the tab at the hotel bar, but the Times refused to pay the tab,” the source said.

Editorial: Regardless of What Happens, I’m Gonna Complain Anyway

By: Over-Educated Guy
Special to The Crab

You know, I was thinking, like I always do, about the things I love to complain about when I had, what alcoholics refer to as, a moment of clarity. What became so clear is the fact that I could not come up with any side of any issue that I wouldn’t complain about. I love bitching and complaining, no matter what the topic is.

Part of it is because I’m arrogant. I have nine college degrees and I have read over 10,000 books on my own time. I read newspapers, magazines, blogs and internet chat boards and I really get emotional about what I read. I am always right and since I am always right, I can complain about anything and never be wrong.

I live in Butchers Hill. I complain about everything in Butchers Hill. I complain about the crime and how the neighborhood needs to be cleaned up, but then I complain about the developers who actually attempt to clean the neighborhood up. I say things like “we need more police protection, but I don’t want them to arrest anyone on the street and I don’t want camera surveillance.”

I love to preserve ancient history. I want houses to be fixed on the outside, but when people do things like add color to the woodwork or a fancy light fixture, I protest the construction then I call the CRAP, I mean CHAP, until they rag the homeowner into submission. I’m just a pain in the ass like that.

If someone wants to build a roof-deck, I’m 8 feet up their ass making sure it’s done correctly and according to standards, that I, not we, I feel are appropriate. And so help me if you build a doghouse. I will not only call the city until they send out a brigade, I will post nasty things on internet chat boards with witty sayings like “What is this, Doghouse Hill? Doghouses on roofs mean the neighborhoods going to the dogs.”

You see, it’s not my fault. I just have an ego the size of Camden Yards.

I need a place to vent this education and these emotions I feel about these things that don’t even concern me. It doesn’t matter what happens. If you listen to me, then I will complain that you didn’t listen to me close enough.

My only advice is to ignore me, insult me and if need be, tell me to go (you know what) myself, because if it’s going on in my neighborhood, I am going to complain about it and I aint shutting up anytime soon. That’s right, I said aint, its actually an old English word that does make sense, because I said so.

Crab Shorts

HABC Yard Sale A Total Failure

The attempt by the Housing Authority of Baltimore City to save money on the removal of old furniture and appliances from the soon to be demolished Chapel NDP Apartment Complex turned out to be a gargantuan waste of time as nobody seemed to buy any of the items or the idea in general.

“I guess there isn’t a strong demand for a bunch of old used crap that doesn’t work.” said a spokesman for the HABC.


Small Duncan Street Park Picked For New Monument

The small picturesque park located on Duncan Street has been picked as the home for the new Monument that will serve as a dedication to modern thought. The monument will read “Around Here, Common Sense Did Once Live”.


So Damn Windy, People Done Forgot How Damn Cold It Was

With the heavy winds that blew through the Baltimore Area this past weekend, sources close to the Crab confirm that the 40-50 MPH gusts made people forget how friggen cold it was outside.

Zoning Intelligence Agency (ZIA) Chalks Up Another Successful Covert Op

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL – The rogue underground citizen group known as the Zoning Intelligence Agency, or ZIA, celebrated another successful operation as its crusade against the tyranny of roof-top doghouses and excess inches on additions reaches a critical stage in the Southeast Baltimore neighborhood of Butchers Hill.

“We have stuck again into the hearts of the monsters that bring in the wave of tyrannical structures and eye-sores known as dog-houses,” said a member of the ZIA on the condition that his codename, Dumfuque, only be used. “This latest victory proves further that nobody can make improvements to any home in this neighborhood unless we approve, or else, what happened today will happen to them as well.”

The action taken, referred to by Dumfuque, is referred to as a covert op by members of this group. However, all the operation really entails is a 30 minute research session into the permits pulled for the address, followed by an anonymous call the city zoning board for review.

“We serve our community as warriors for the people,” said another ZIA member who goes by Diquewede. “We sacrifice ourselves and our time so that no citizen has to be terrorized by an addition that may or may not be visible from their windows.”

Although Diquewede and Dumfuque both insist that the operations that the ZIA engage in always bring results favorable to their cause, sources inside the Zoning Board tell the Crab just the opposite.

“Most of the time, these clowns are just complaining about perfectly legal and legitimate building activities,” said the source. “I wish these clowns would find a hobby or clean up their own houses or something somewhat constructive.”

The ZIA had something different to say regarding their successes.

“We serve as the eyes on the ground in the neighborhood that see things and hear things the city wishes it could,” said Dumfuque. “We do things like survey from roof-tops, follow construction trucks, and covertly interrogate contractors when they are getting coffee and donuts at Royal Farms or Starbucks. We are like Batman for preservationists.”

While the disagreement about the actual accomplishments of this group of citizens with excess time on their hands rages on, the ZIA pledges to keep looking and reporting and to keep growing by finding any and all additional Dumfuques and Diquewedes out there.

Lack of Street Surveillance Cameras Violating Personal Publicity

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE - While most recent attention has been given to the installation of closed-circuit surveillance cameras in many Baltimore neighborhoods and the questions regarding personal privacy, little to no attention has been given opposite issue where the lack of these cameras is violating personal publicity.

"Personal publicity is a sacred thing in our society," said John, a Butchers Hill resident and proponent of CCTV cameras. "With no cameras on the street corners, how can we stay public as citizens."

Most proponents of CCTV cameras argue that the rights of every Baltimorean to be publicly surveyed are being infringed upon and that because of this infringement, their image is not being publicly viewed and therefore nobody knows about the good things they do in public places.

"Hey, I have a great walking style and I look good when I walk," John continued. "When I walk, I want people to see me walk. Also, I am a model dog owner that always picks up the poop after Rex takes care of business, and I want the powers that be to know that."

Others, who are proponents of the cameras, are those who believe that CCTV cameras will foster good dressing in the communities.

"If you knew you were being watched, wouldn't you want to look presentable?" said Gretchen, a Fells Point resident. "I think that if everyone knew they were being filmed, they would always make sure they look good and that would lead to a society of thin, good-looking, and well-dressed people."

In other neighborhoods, the appearance of resentment towards privacy advocates is popping up in some discussions regarding the cameras. These residents claim that the privacy argument is one lead by predominately ugly people.

"Come on now, what if athletes and politicians and Hollywood stars tried to claim privacy? Everyone would laugh," said Charles, a Canton resident and proponent of the cameras. "I think it's a jealousy thing. With cameras rolling around the neighborhoods, there is a lot of pressure to do well and look good, and the privacy geeks just can't live up to that pressure because quite frankly, they are not very good looking."

The fact remains that proponents of CCTV cameras installed in Baltimore neighborhoods feel that just as people have the right to privacy, they also have the right to publicity. While the debate carries on, only a few neighborhoods in the city have the privilege of strutting for the cameras and showing the world that it is not them who is neglecting to pick their dog's poop.

Controversy on The Hill (Part 3) - Local Resident’s Claim for Stupidity Denied

Peers Say He Is Already Too Stupid

By: John and Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writers

BUTCHERS HILL – In a move seen as very out of the ordinary, a group of Butchers Hill residents have denied a fellow resident’s claim for stupidity amid grounds that he is already too stupid.

The decision comes after the claim was made regarding an argument over zoning practices and general neighborhood philosophy.

During a community debate a few weeks ago, the resident jumped to the defense of a homeowner who had objected to an addition being built by a local developer next to the homeowner’s property. In the debate, the man called developers a “nuisance” and a threat to the neighborhood. What he didn’t realize was that the very person he was defending was a developer whose property in question was a three unit rental property. Upon realization of that fact, he claimed stupidity.

“I really didn’t know, honestly,” said the resident who wishes to remain anonymous. “I really thought that this person was a homeowner who lived in the neighborhood.”

Immediately, however, his peers rejected his claim for stupidity claiming that he should have verified his facts before taking his position.

“Not this time. He has said some dumb things for which we have approved his claim for stupidity in the past, but if we don’t reject him at some point, how will he learn?” said one neighbor. “He has a track record of running his mouth without thinking, then just claiming stupidity to let himself off the hook. In my mind, he already too stupid.”

Other incidents described by the other residents include the stupid neighbor cheering for the Yankees but claiming he thought the Orioles were batting and yelling at a neighbor for being loud while he himself was operating a leaf blower.

“Ok, those times I really did have a lapse in judgment, just like this time, so why does this time have to be different?” asked the resident.

The only answer that the group came up with was, “Because this time we can confirm that you are a moron,” as explained by one member.

When leaving, the stupid resident was asked if he thought he was stupid. He responded by “pleading the fifth”.

That claim was also denied.

James Olsen contributed to this article.

This concludes the three part series. Happy New Year! From the Crab.