By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer
BUTCHERS HILL – The rogue underground citizen group known as the Zoning Intelligence Agency, or ZIA, celebrated another successful operation as its crusade against the tyranny of roof-top doghouses and excess inches on additions reaches a critical stage in the Southeast Baltimore neighborhood of Butchers Hill.
“We have stuck again into the hearts of the monsters that bring in the wave of tyrannical structures and eye-sores known as dog-houses,” said a member of the ZIA on the condition that his codename, Dumfuque, only be used. “This latest victory proves further that nobody can make improvements to any home in this neighborhood unless we approve, or else, what happened today will happen to them as well.”
The action taken, referred to by Dumfuque, is referred to as a covert op by members of this group. However, all the operation really entails is a 30 minute research session into the permits pulled for the address, followed by an anonymous call the city zoning board for review.
“We serve our community as warriors for the people,” said another ZIA member who goes by Diquewede. “We sacrifice ourselves and our time so that no citizen has to be terrorized by an addition that may or may not be visible from their windows.”
Although Diquewede and Dumfuque both insist that the operations that the ZIA engage in always bring results favorable to their cause, sources inside the Zoning Board tell the Crab just the opposite.
“Most of the time, these clowns are just complaining about perfectly legal and legitimate building activities,” said the source. “I wish these clowns would find a hobby or clean up their own houses or something somewhat constructive.”
The ZIA had something different to say regarding their successes.
“We serve as the eyes on the ground in the neighborhood that see things and hear things the city wishes it could,” said Dumfuque. “We do things like survey from roof-tops, follow construction trucks, and covertly interrogate contractors when they are getting coffee and donuts at Royal Farms or Starbucks. We are like Batman for preservationists.”
While the disagreement about the actual accomplishments of this group of citizens with excess time on their hands rages on, the ZIA pledges to keep looking and reporting and to keep growing by finding any and all additional Dumfuques and Diquewedes out there.
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