Controversy on The Hill (Part 2) – Residents Beginning To Regret Shutting Strip Club Down

Say They Were Brainwashed By Neighborhood Groups

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL / FELLS POINT – In an admission of guilt, a group of residents that originally were a part of an effort to get rid of a local strip club are now calling their actions “a big mistake”.

“I don’t know what we were thinking,” said one of these residents. “I guess you really don’t know how good you had it until it is gone.”

This admission comes after the club, located on Eastern Ave in Upper Fells Point, has been non-operational for almost two months.

“One Saturday, we were sitting around and nothing was on TV when someone suggested we go to a skin-bar,” explained one resident. “That’s when we realized that we had shut down the only joint within walking distance. We immediately looked at each other and said ‘What have we done?’”

The club had come under tremendous pressure from residents in surrounding blocks who were complaining about everything from noise coming from the club to alleged “illegal lap-dancing” occurring inside.

The efforts were taken up by several community action groups including the Fells Point and Butchers Hill Community Associations who were trying to lobby the city to have th club’s liquor license revoked. The group of residents regretting these actions was originally involved with the associations’ efforts.

“They had us brainwashed that if we didn’t get this club out of here that we were going to be all sent to certain damnation,” said the same resident. “They said things like ‘Your house won’t be worth two cents if you allow a strip club to be this close,’ I just didn’t know what to do.”

Now, many residents are starting to think they have done more harm than good by driving the club out of business.

“For one thing, it’s less tax revenue,” declared the same resident. “But most importantly, if I want to get drunk and see naked women, I need to take a cab to one of those clubs on Broadway, when I used to be able to just walk to the club and stumble home.”

While most of these residents missing the club are men, there are some women who also share the same sentiments about the club.

“Hey, who said women can enjoy watching other women dance?” said one female resident. “I loved going there and I miss it as much as any man does.”

When calls were placed to the leadership of both associations asking about the brainwashing claims and how they gained proof of their lap-dancing claims, no comment was given.

“I guess they must have seen it ‘first-hand’,” said the regretful resident. “But in any case, screw them because having no skin-bar close by sucks big time. I am so sorry for what I did.”

This is part 2 of a 3 part series.

Controversy on The Hill (Part 1) - Butchers Hill Saddened As Apartments May Lose “Luxury” Status

Owner Fights Rogue Addition

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BUTCHERS HILL – In an event that has an entire neighborhood, or at least a few members, saddened and nervous, a row-home containing three apartments may lose luxury status on all three.

“This is horrible, just horrible,” said the owner of the Washington Street apartments. “I almost cannot talk about this because that is how upset I get.”

While the condition of the apartments is not changing and the rent price is not dropping, the third-story apartment may lose its water-view due to an addition being put on the home next door. That addition is claimed to have been built without proper zoning and the owner plans on fighting the addition based on that claim.

“I will fight this will all of my power,” declared the homeowner. “Someone just waltzes in here and builds an addition and puts a $500,000 price tag on the house? Not in my backyard they don’t!”

When asked if the motivation for fighting this addition was based on the ability to continuously raise the rents by claiming a water-view, the resident became visibly angry.

“It’s not about the money, and I am insulted and hurt that you would imply that,” claimed the owner. “Even though I don’t even live there, the water-view is very important to me because it is a beautiful view. I have worked hard to make those apartment luxurious and you don’t have the right to build a place equally as nice right next to mine without a fight.”

Other Butchers Hill residents immediately came to the defense of the homeowner claiming that the owner has a right to make money on the home, even though the owner claims that the issue is not money.

“Why can’t they make money on their investment,” said one resident. “I mean, but….the…I know it’s not about the money, but…..it’s just wrong to build that addition.”

While the builder of the addition could not be reached for comment, sources inside the Butchers Hill neighborhood do claim a country-club culture that has spread among its most tenured residents.

“People who have lived here for the longest can't make up their mind about what they want except that they want all the power as to what goes on.” said one insider. “They complain about crime, but won’t allow cameras. They complain about blighted housing but give developers hell. However, if they want to do something, then it’s OK, just like a country club, the longer you have been here, the more say you have and more entitlement you claim. It’s ass-backwards.”

As the debate continues, the luxury status hangs in the balance for those apartments and it is not settling well.

“It would just be absolutely tragic if those apartments, built way back before this neighborhood was popular, were allowed to become just ordinary,” said one tearful resident. “All because some developer wants to make the house next to it look nice.”

Baltimore’s friendliest neighborhood remains entrenched in controversy.

This is part 1 of a 3 part series.

Ehrlich Hires “Technologically Challenged” Campaign Director

Campaign Still Worried About Self Given Nickname

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In a move seen as preventative and necessary, Governor Ehrlich hired a new director for his upcoming gubernatorial campaign based on the fact that he doesn’t know what the internet is or even how to use a computer.

Bo Harmon, a veteran Republican political operative, seemed an attractive choice for the Ehrlich ’06 campaign because of his successful campaigns in the past as well as the fact that he doesn’t know a blog from a hole in the wall.

“Mr. Harmon brings high skills in political campaigning and low skills in computers,” said a spokesman from Ehrlich ’06. “While we know he will be crafting campaign message, we also can be assured his will not be gossiping in chat rooms since he barely knows what a computer does or even how to turn one on.”

The hiring of Harmon is seen by some as a reassurance that there will be no more episodes of internet gossiping about the other candidates’ personal lives such as the actions of Ehrlich’s former top advisor, Joseph Steffen.

“In our interview with Mr. Harmon, we asked if he thought Mayor O’Malley was a sharp dresser or if County Executive Duncan’s hair-style was simply fabulous,” said the Ehrlich spokesman. “He said he didn’t have an opinion so we figure he is not a gossiper.”

The one thing that still concerns some of the governor’s top advisors is the fact that Harmon, like Steffen, has a self given nickname. While Steffen went by the “Prince of Darkness” (recently downgraded to “Prince of Early Dusk”), Harmon goes by “Lord of The Underground”.

Harmon proclaimed himself by that name after his campaign for Saxby Chambliss against Senator Max Cleland, a campaign that some Democratic counterparts called despicable.

“Mr. Harmon plays hardball, we don’t deny that but the nickname thing is something we will just have to ease our way out of,” said the spokesman. “For now we are going to go with it, but every week we want to downplay it, so like next week, we will start calling him ‘Mayor of the Underground’ and so on, until we reach a point where we can call him ‘Director’.”

Although it cannot be confirmed, sources close to the hiring of Mr. Harmon do claim that he showed up for his interview holding a lit flashlight under his chin and referred to himself as “His Lordship”. Campaign officials deny that claim.

Republicans Say Democrats Playing Politics Amid Veto Override Threats; Democrats Say “No Shit!”

Response Unleashes Freakish Wave of Honesty

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

ANNAPOLIS – In a statement released this week by state Republican leaders in Annapolis, they accuse Democrats in the House and Senate of playing politics amid chatter of a plan to override vetoes that Governor Ehrlich plans to exercise.

“These plans to override the Governor’s vetoes are nothing short of playing a political game to get attention going into this next legislative session,” read one of these statements. “The Democrats are just trying to grab the spotlight.”

In a surprising response, Democratic leaders agreed with the statements released by the Republicans.

“No shit,” said one spokesman. “Of course we are playing politics, and of course we are trying to grab spotlight heading into next session. We are politicians, this is what we do. What would the Republicans do if they were in our situation?; Oh wait! They are in the same situation in Washington so I guess that are purposely playing dumb.”

In another stunning response, Republican leaders agreed with the comments from the Democratic spokesman.

“Of course we are playing dumb on purpose, we are politicians who are in the minority party right now, this is what we do,” said a Republican spokesman. “The only reason he even said that about us is to try to put us on the constant defensive, that’s all that is going on here.”

Once again, the Democratic spokesman agreed with everything the Republican spokesman said.

“Your damn right we are trying to put them on the defensive, we are the majority, this is what we do when we want the attention that I already admitted that we are trying to get,” said the Democratic spokesman. “And before he says it, YES, we are trying to secretly push our agenda underneath all of this political activity.”

The pre-emptive admission of the agenda pushing left the Republican spokesman with no further statements.

“He already admitted to the hidden political agenda thing?” asked the Republican spokesman. “Hmmm, I guess I got nothing then.”

Stunned by the Republican spokesman’s silence, the Democratic spokesman also had no points left to make.

“He had nothing?” he said before a long awkward silence. “Ok, what’s on TV?”

Even though there was no resolution to the actual veto issues at hand, the unusual wave of honesty managed to silence both parties for the rest of the day.

First Debate Between O’Malley and Duncan To Be Madden Football Game

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – In a move that some are referring to as bold politics, campaign staff members from both the O’Malley and Duncan campaigns confirmed that the first gubernatorial debate between the two men will, in fact, not be a traditional debate, but a heads up match playing Madden 2006 for Playstation2.

“We felt that this was a great opportunity to show Marylanders that the mayor is not only a great leader from a managerial standpoint, but also a great leader in the field of play,” said a spokesperson from the Baltimore mayor’s gubernatorial campaign. “The mayor is confident that his analytical skills and swift hand to eye coordination will resonate well with voters.”

The Duncan gubernatorial campaign is using this first debate format to convey a message of speed and strength.

“Like football, leading a state requires strength and speed,” said a Duncan campaign spokesperson. “This game will prove to this great state and its citizens that County Executive Duncan has the strength to lead and the speed to react, both of which are required attributes of a great governor.”

This agreement was reached following weeks of bickering between campaigns on how they were going to kick off the primary season for the Democratic gubernatorial nod.

While the rules of the game have not been formally released, sources close both campaigns have informed the Crab that the game settings are still in negotiation. One source claims that one possible bottleneck is the game speed setting and the penalty sensitivity setting. This source also says that the two camps are close to an agreement on whether to play ten minute quarters or fifteen minute quarters.

One thing the Crab can confirm is that the Mayor O’Malley will be playing as the Baltimore Ravens while County Executive Duncan will be playing as the Washington Redskins. The Crab has also learned that an earlier disagreement about whether the game was to be played on Xbox or Playstation2 almost derailed the negotiations before the camps agreed on Playstation2.

Video game popularity being so high has experts already analyzing the pre-game probabilities.

“One thing we need to keep in mind here is that Madden teams’ strengths and weaknesses are always based on the previous year’s team stats,” said one Madden expert. “Just because the Redskins have a better record this year doesn’t mean that they have a better Madden team. I think that the County Executive better keep that in mind.”

Since no date or venue has been formally set by either campaign, no major trash talking has erupted, but both spokespeople did have similar messages for each other in the tune of “Let’s get it on punk!”

James Olsen also contributed to this article.

New Aquarium Australian Exhibit to Include An Outback Steakhouse

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

PRATT STREET – Officials from the National Aquarium in Baltimore announced that the new Australian exhibit will soon include the United States’ most treasured Australian gem, an Outback Steakhouse.

“We feel that in order for the aquarium’s new exhibit to fulfill all of its potential as genuine Australian, an Outback is the best thing to add,” said a spokesperson from the aquarium. “There really is nothing else that is truly vintage Australian than a walk through the various Australian habitats followed by a strip steak with a blooming onion.”

While aquarium officials see this as a great step forward in the opening of the new exhibit, which has already been delayed, other aquarium supporters and patrons are seeing this as a move that will steal attention away from the exhibit itself.

“We want people to come to this exhibit to learn and enjoy the new exhibit, not to just be excited that there is an Outback they can go to after they are through,” said one aquarium supporter who opposes the Outback in the aquarium. “If you bring kids to this, the only thing they will think about the whole time will be ‘When can we go to Outback’.”

Others who oppose the Outback being built in the aquarium argue that the mere presence of it will dumb down the aquarium as a whole.

“Come on, the Outback Steakhouse? This is ridiculous. This would be like putting an Olive Garden at a Picasso Exhibit in the Baltimore Museum of Art,” said one patron. “It’s a gaudy thing to have in such a nice place as the aquarium.”

Even though the debate continues and no construction has begun on the restaurant, the proposed location for the restaurant is immediately following the new exhibit tour where the restaurant’s waiting area would also serve as the exhibit's gift shop. Another element of the Outback proposal would be servers throughout the exhibit serving complimentary samples of the blooming onion and coconut shrimp.

Crab Sports Report: Perlozzo Successfully Informs Flanagan That Tejada Is O’s Best Player

By: Roger Flinnery
Crab Sports Writer

CAMDEN YARDS – Orioles Manager Sam Perlozzo has successfully informed General Manager Mike Flanagan that Miguel Tejada is, in fact, not only a good baseball player, but the best player on the team. This revelation comes after Tejada hinted that he wanted to be traded from the club as he is unhappy with the Orioles’ direction as team.

“General Manager Flanagan is now aware of the importance of Miguel Tejada to this team and will now accordingly try to solve this current problem with Miguel.” said a spokesman from the GM’s Office. “Also, the GM does now understand that he does need to talk to Miguel and perhaps maybe do things that would indicate that the Orioles are moving in a direction other than reverse.”

According to sources close to the team, Sam Perlozzo became suspicious after various reports had surfaced that Miguel did request a trade and that Mike Flanagan seemed to have done nothing about it. Acting on a hunch, Perlozzo contacted Flanagan informing him that Miguel is the center of progress for the team and that the easiest way to inform Miguel, as well as all of Baltimore, that the Orioles are moving in a forward direction is to keep Tejada in an O’s uniform.

The O’s spokesperson also reiterated that the General Manager now has a firm grasp on all of the Orioles’ personnel assets and which of those players are definite keepers.

“We now have a memo being circulated around the front office with some very important phrases such as ‘Tejada=Good, Roberts=Good, Mora=Good, Bedard=Good, Lopez=Good’ and so on”.

The spokesperson declared that this new method of communication will prevent another episode of confusion if another key member of the team wants to be traded.

While the Tejada issue still remains unresolved, it is now confirmed that the Orioles’ front office does realize that Miguel is a good player and that it is important that he remain an Oriole.

Towson Parking Sign Has Everyone Confused

By: Traveling Man
Crab Travel Editor

TOWSON – A parking sign located on the campus of Saint Joseph’s Hospital has everyone baffled. The sign, located in the parking lot of the Professional Centre, lets drivers know that only patients can park in that particular lot. The sign, however, contains quotations around the word ‘only’. Nobody who has seen the sign can figure out why that word would be in quotes.

“I’m not quite sure what to make of this.” said a security officer who patrols the campus looking for parking violations. “I don’t think that I have ever used the finger quotation motions for that word.”

The fact that the word contains quotes is also causing a stir amongst drivers on the campus because some are interpreting the sign as ambiguous and unclear.

“No, I am not a patient at this Professional Centre and no I am not moving my car because I think the sign is ambiguous.” said one motorist who parked in the lot. “When you quote a word like that, you are saying it has a meaning other than its obvious meaning. I choose to have it mean ‘Just Kidding’. Who can prove that it doesn’t?”

Many employees and patients of the Professional Centre are outraged that people would read into this so much and use it as an excuse to park illegally.

“Come on! Do we really need to have this conversation? I mean what the hell else could the word mean other than ONLY?” said one employee. “The sign means don’t park there unless you are a patient. What jerk looks at this and says, ‘Well it says only so only is in quotes so it must mean something different’?”

Others, including the security officer disagree.

“I mean my hands are tied here. If you walked into a bar that had a sign that said ‘NO’ Smoking, I’ll bet you would light up right away and argue your case about the sign.”

While the debate continues, the only thing that both sides here can agree on is that they are all lucky that the campus has no “STOP” signs.

Study Finds Link Between City Smog and Dollar Crab Nights

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – An independent environmental research group has filed a report with the EPA claiming a direct link between Baltimore air pollution and dollar crab nights at local bars and crab houses. The reports also mentions that the addition of dollar draft beers to the dollar crab specials is a major contributor as well.

“Well, do I have to spell it out? Think about what crabs and warm draft beer does to you the next morning.” said a spokesperson for the group. “Ok, now picture thousands of people experiencing the same thing week in and week out. That is enough methane to be a major problem.”

Dollar crab nights are a Baltimore tradition that date back multiple generations and most Baltimoreans do not feel that the environmental threat of the escalated methane gas levels warrant the suspension or discontinuation of this tradition.

“Are you kidding me? I would give up my fireplace and my truck before I gave up dollar crabs and beers.” declared one Sparrows Point Resident who just goes by Big J. “The way I figure is that beer farts can’t be worse for the air than the old steel plant and that plant aint even running anymore.”

The environmental group disputes that claim.

“Have you ever had the post dollar crab night beer farts? They last all day long and they are nothing short of oppressive to the air.” said the same spokesperson. “100,000 residents having various degrees of this day-long condition, in my opinion, can have a huge impact on the air. The effect should not be underestimated.”

While there is no word yet if the EPA will take action to curb the high doses of methane that fill the air on different mornings in different neighborhoods, sources inside the EPA’s Washington office can confirm that the EPA did take action in various cities that have had issues with mornings after dollar Buffalo wings and beer night.

The only thing that remains certain in this debate is that a night of steamed crabs and warm draft beer will always predictably yeild the same results, environmental threat or not.

Carroll County Students Not Reading This Article Right Now

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Education Reporter

CARROLL COUNTY – Carroll County Public School students are not reading this article right now because it was banned from being viewed in the schools’ libraries and computer labs. After recent stories published by the Crab involving severe gluttony, political mythological parody, and general free thought, the Carroll County schools' administration decided to ban this publication deeming it inappropriate for viewing on school grounds. The administration feels that humor and fun has no place on the computer screens of any of its schools.

The Crab is not the first casualty of the “Get Tough on Fun” campaign taking place in schools as the administration has recently banned a popular book about an overweight girl who struggles to fit in at her school. The administration apparently felt that the book was too far apart from reality. Sources close to the administration said that it finds it almost impossible to believe that any of its students would be overweight or have trouble fitting in with the social scenes at school.

The source close to the situation also claims that the administration is considering passing measures that would virtually ban students from reading any written prose other than the school handbook, the Bible, and anything published by Pre-Pixar Disney.

School officials were not called by this publication for comment as they wouldn’t even be allowed to read their comments anyway.

While the Carroll County Schools rush to ban these corrupt pieces of literature, the rest of Maryland schools and most of the country’s schools are still allowing inappropriate pieces such as “Harry Potter”, “The Lord of The Rings”, “The Barenstein Bears”, “Encyclopedia Brown”, “The Hardy Boys”, and the controversial “Babysitter’s Club” to corrupt the minds of innocent students who just want to read to have fun.

Since there appear to be no overweight students making light of their social problems in any Carroll County school, it appears that the schools have dodged a huge problem by banning these pieces of writing just early enough before that issue sets in amongst the student body, who is not even reading this article right now.

Editorial: I Ate Like 25 Berger Cookies and I’m Still Not Sick

By: Ray-Ray
Local Crazy College Student

Like two years ago, when I was a freshman, a couple of my friends dared me to try to eat 6 saltines in under a minute. I had 5 completely finished with 15 seconds to go but couldn’t finish off the sixth one. I was bummed.

The next year, they dared to try to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Of course, I tried it because I am totally insanely crazy, but I only got 15 minutes in before I yacked all over the place. Again, I was totally bummed.

Now, my time has come. I just got done eating 25 berger cookies in a row and I am not even feeling the least bit sick. Actually, I feel great. That has got to be some sort of record or at least some sort of local triumph because these things are basically just like eating a huge pile of sugar with sugary chocolate on top. I mean these things make your teeth hurt when you eat one, let alone 25. I’m actually quite stoked.

Now, my only problem is I need to get my friends to dare me to do this. I mean, if I just break out the bergers one night say, “Hey, dudes, I can eat 25 of these things and not get sick,”, they will be like “So what?” and it won’t be considered a crazy thing to do and as we all know, I’m crazy and extreme and will do anything on a dare.

So, the plan is this. I need to get my bros to eat a few of these things, taste how sweet they are and get them to dare me to eat a bunch in a row. Hopefully, they will dare me to eat only like 15 and then I will pound 25 and they will think I am even crazier. Stoked!

The cookies are sitting all over the place in the apartment and just waiting for one of my dudes to pick one up and try it. Man, this is going to be way better than the saltine thing and the milk thing combined. This may even be better than the time I tried to chug Tabasco mized with warm cheap whiskey. Man, I am so nuts. Awesome. This plan is crazy, so crazy it just might work. There is no way I won’t be called the craziest guy to ever walk this campus. Stoked!

New Traffic Proposal Calls for Double-Decker Beltway

Public Transportation Upgrade Seen As 'Infeasible'

By: John and Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writers

BALTIMORE – Not to be outdone by the new $23 million pledge from Baltimore City Hall to upgrade downtown traffic patterns, the county government is now calling for a total upgrade on the Beltway. This upgrade includes the construction of an upper deck over the current highway.

“It just makes sense. If we add lanes, traffic is better for only a few months. But if we add a whole new beltway in addition to the current one, it may get better for a few years and that would be something,” said a spokesperson from the County Transportation Administration. “I actually think it’s brilliant, instead of an inner loop and outer loop, it’ll be an upper loop and lower loop.”

When asked about the costs of this proposal as compared to an investment into a public transportation system connecting county suburbs and the city the same spokesman said, “We have looked into that as a possible solution, but feel that it is infeasible to build a rail system as compared to building a gigantic highway on top of another one. The beltway idea makes way more sense.”

The spokesperson also described a double-decker beltway as having endless positives aside from temporary easing of traffic volume. One of these positives mentioned is the ability to avoid rain by driving on the lower loop when it is raining.

“Also, with a covered lower loop, this will save the county some money every winter because we won’t have to plow or salt it,” the spokesperson explained. “With people sticking the lower loop, they may need to drive longer to get home, which may lead to them buying more gas, which may lead to higher tax revenues for the county and state. Meanwhile, people using the upper loop will be able to drive shorter distances, albeit in the rain, but will sit in less traffic and use less gas. You see, it all balances out.”

While nobody inside the Maryland Department of Transportation was available for comment, sources close to the D.O.T. claim the Department has “no idea what the hell the county is talking about”.

Maryland’s Political “Prince of Darkness” Downgraded To “Prince of Early Dusk”

By: James Olsen
Crab Political Reporter

ANNAPOLIS – Governor Ehrlich’s former right hand man and self proclaimed political bad-boy Joe Steffen has been officially downgraded from Prince of Darkness to Prince of Early Dusk according to several sources inside the FPRS (Fantasy Political Ranking Society). The announcement comes many months after Steffen’s firing from the Ehrlich administration and a recent interview with a local television news program.

The sources also report that his new ranking is one typically given to novice political operatives and public relations agents.

“This is not a small deal for Mr. Steffen. Early dusk is much brighter than late dusk, early evening, and nightfall. He has been bumped down several notches.” said a source inside the FPRS. “The King of Zero-Light takes these rankings very seriously and it is going to very difficult for Mr. Steffen to get back to darkness status.”

Steffen was known throughout Maryland political circles as a guy who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted in Annapolis. He was a rising star in the Republican Party and a trusted political advisor to Governor Ehrlich. Because of his “no holds barred” attitude the FPRS had authorized Mr. Steffen to proclaim himself the Prince of Darkness.

Steffen’s firing, which came earlier this year, was fueled by a Washington Post article that named Steffen as the person who was posting remarks about Baltimore’s Mayor Martin O’Malley on a political internet site.

“You see, this is what we would characterize as gossip. And according to FPRS tradition, that is more of something old retired witches do by the caldron, where a true Prince of Darkness would never be found.” said the source from the FPRS. “Spreading gossip is not something an aspiring Prince, Wizard, Emperor or King of Darkness would do and to remind Mr. Steffen, the King of Zero Light has bumped him down according to the magic code of fantasy political titles.”

While Mr. Steffen continues to try and revive his political career, he does so minus the title “Prince of Darkness”.

Local Joke Rag Gets Regional Fame; Publisher Thanks Readers

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE, MD - Local joke-rag The Baltimore Crab received regional fame Saturday when The Baltimore Sun, the paper that reports the real news, published an article about the small fledgling fake news blog. The cover story in Saturday's Maryland section of the Sun appears to have given widespread attention to the sometimes half-witted and nonsensical blog.

"Wow, first off, I can't believe people are enjoying it, I honestly thought we'd be silenced right out of town." said the publisher of the Crab. "I cannot thank my loyal readers enough, even the readers inside the branches of local government that I poke fun at."

When asked to comment on statements made in the article saying that the Crab is not hard-hitting enough, the publisher responded, "Well Ed, I guess I should ask you, James, John, Josh, and the rest of you writers that same question since your the ones writing the stories. You're lucky I didn't fire your ass already for getting banned from City Hall."

When asked about the future the publisher said that the Crab is still only in its earliest of stages and planning is already underway for a more regular content schedule and a more structured method for publishing content. "Those are the things I can control to make the Crab more enjoyable to the readers, but, as long as people read it, I will continually look to make it better, but you Ed, are on thin ice."

Sun article can be found here.

CRAB BRIEFS

Ehrlich’s Zero Sideburns Look Ahead of Fashion Curve

ANNAPOLIS – A spokesperson for Governor Bob Ehrlich described the Governor’s no-sideburns look as a fashion statement ahead of the curve. Ehrlich, who has taken criticism in the past for his hair style, now claims that his hair style is on the verge of being cool and that he will be a political fashion pioneer. “This style is going to catch on, and when it does, we are going to be as cool as it gets.” said the spokesperson.

Konerko Rejects O’s Offer of $65M, Accepts Ravens Offer of $65,000,000.01

CAMDEN YARDS – Chicago White Sox slugger and newly made free agent Paul Konerko formally rejected the Orioles’ offer of 5 years $65 million, but accepted an offer from the Ravens for 5 years $65 million dollars and one cent. When asked why he chose the offer from a team who plays a different sport than Konerko plays, his agent replied “NFL contracts are guaranteed like baseball contracts, right?”

Baltimore Development Corp’s Secret Meeting So Secret Nobody Shows Up

BALTIMORE – The ‘secret’ meeting of the BDC was such a well kept secret, not even the would-be attendees knew of it. The meeting, which stirred up so much controversy when knowledge of it went public, is now being played down as nothing merely a miscommunication within the BDC. “Someone just goofed, but maybe we shouldn’t make it so secret next time.” said a BDC spokesman.

Canton Resident Can’t Find The Right Play Date For His Kids

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

CANTON – Local man and father of three John Hallivont is looking feverishly for suitable play dates for is 2, 3, and 5 year old kids. The only problem is he cannot find any play-dates that fulfill his long list of requirements.

“I will admit, my requirements are quite demanding.” explained Hallivont. “But by no means whatsoever, are the requirements unreasonable.”

Some examples of his requirements of a suitable play date include a height restriction where the play date must be at least 3 inches shorter than his kid and must be at least 4 months younger. Another requirement is that the parents of the play date must drive a foreign made, late model station wagon or SUV that has a progressive-scan DVD player with a flip-down screen no smaller than 13 inches. Curtain airbags are a plus, but not a requirement.

“The vehicle arrangement is most necessary in terms of compliance.” Hallivont explained. “Aside from age and size dominance, my child is to believe that he or she is riding safely in the comfort and luxury of one of our 3 vehicles. Otherwise, there will be no play-date.”

Another important requirement that Hallivont points out is family history. If the play date’s parents have ever lived abroad, or ever been to Las Vegas on vacation, they will be non-compliant with the requirements. Also, parents who live in a house that wasn’t family-inherited will be chalked up as non-compliant.

“Sadly enough, the Las Vegas thing really eliminates many people and they just throw the biggest hissy-fits when I dismiss them for that reason. Quite sad it is.” Hallivont said. “But, my children are important to me and I just feel that I am justified to be so choosy when it comes to who they will and will not interact with socially.”

While many rejected applicants feel he is taking the requirements too far, Hallivont remains firm in his ways and still continues his search for suitable play-dates for his children.

Investigation Of Stolen Light Posts Uncovers Underground Jousting Circuit

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – The ramped-up investigation of the mysterious stolen light posts in the Baltimore region, fueled by recent national news attention, has lead authorities to uncover a secret underground jousting ring.

Acting on a tip, police raided a warehouse in Southeast Baltimore where they did find a stockpile of metal posts. However, they also found that these posts were not the stolen 30 foot street light posts, but 10 foot flag posts being used by an underground jousting club.

“The tipster witnessed a group of people unloading metal posts into this abandoned warehouse and appropriately called the BCPD.” said a spokesman for the BCPD. “That call prompted immediate action in which we entered the warehouse. Unfortunately, instead of finding the stolen light posts, we found a secret medieval club using flag posts as jousting weapons.”

While there have been no reports of disappearing flag posts around the region, city police said they would verify that the flag posts were purchased legally.

Details of the jousting ring are not known as the members of the club would not comment on any of their activities citing a “knight’s honor” not to speak to the media.

Local Blogger Takes Four Days Off; Nobody Notices

By: Josh McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – A local blogger, who prides himself on a decent following in the blogosphere, has not posted anything to his blog in four days. Despite his self-described loyal following in the blogging community, the blogger is saddened to find that there is no evidence to suggest that anyone cared that he had not posted in that time.

“Not one single email, or comment, or text-message, nothing.” said the blogger in a depressing tone. “I was busy over the holiday, but I sort of didn’t post on purpose because I wanted to feel missed. I was wrong.”

This particular blogger blogs about various topics in his life including his job, his political beliefs, his social life, his apartment, and some creative writing samples that he had come up with. He had become known in the blogoshpere as a rising star for his commentary on modern pop culture and his vivid descriptions on what he did most weekend nights.

“I was on my way up. I had some great regular readers who would always leave good comments and send great emails.” he explained. “I just hope that they haven’t found someone else’s blog to read in the meantime that they like better than mine.”

According to blog experts, blogging is not supposed to be a “scheduled” activity, meaning that one should only post when circumstances warrant rather than post for the sake of posting. However, this blogger contends that readership is equally as important to keeping proper blogging practice.

“I mean, if nobody reads it, then what is the point?” he declared. “I mean there isn’t even any chatter at all about my blog. Not even talking bad about me. I may already be out of the sphere.”

Even though there is no record of any online chatter about his fledgling blog, sources close to the Baltimore blogosphere do suggest that his blog was already losing readers due to flat content and what once source called “irrelevant BS”, which in the blog world is considered to be extraordinarily bad.

“No way man, my content was rock solid, your sources are wrong!” he yelled, “I took a gamble to gauge how much they liked me and I just held out too long, that’s the only lesson learned here. Its all about the quantity.”

When presented with this quote, the source reiterated, “Yep, sounds like the attitude of a blogger who was just not on the same page as the rest of us.”

Holiday Travel Special Report: I-95 Rest Stop Bathrooms Already Smell Awful

By: The Traveling Man
Crab Travel Editor

I-95 CORRIDOR – It only took a few hours, but by 6:30 this morning, the smell in the bathrooms at all I-95 rest stops in Maryland was borderline intolerable, officially kicking off one of the busiest travel days of the year in Maryland and the rest of the country.

At the Maryland House rest stop, the smell was not just horrible, but widespread beyond the confines of the bathroom itself.

“Wow, I’ve smelled some seriously awful rest stop bathrooms in my days, but this is gotta be one of the worst.” said Ted, a truck driver on his way to Connecticut. “It hits you even when you are like ten feet from opening the door to go in.”

The smell, which has been described by many as ‘old sewage’, began to become prevalent after an early morning rush which included truckers, couriers, and families trying to beat traffic.

The problem, as described by experts, is that bathroom stench needs idle time, when nobody is adding to the smell, in order to clear out. The issue with this travel day is that with so many people stopping, the stench never gets the proper amount of time to even begin decreasing in density.

While many people blame a lack of maintenance, experts disagree claiming that this problem is a battle against time and cannot be solved by solvents.

“Even if we were to go in there every 15 minutes and spray the hell out of the place, it would only result in a mix of chemicals and stench, which in my opinion is worse.” said an official from the Maryland House rest stop. “Unfortunately, this is just a part of traveling during this weekend.”

While most are appalled by the smell, some actually embrace it as a tradition of traveling for the Thanksgiving.

“We have been traveling from North Carolina to Delaware every year since our children were born and when we stop at the Maryland House, that horrible smell served as a reminder that we were only 40 miles from grandma and grandpa’s house.” said Frank from North Carolina. “The smell hasn’t changed one bit over the years, and to be honest, I would miss it if it wasn’t there.”

Love it or hate it, the smell is still there and more pungent than ever. Just as the traffic on the highway is a sure thing, one can also expect to stand in some serious stench when pulling off for a travel break.

Renegade Parking Cop Plays By Her Own Rules

By: Ed Mund
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – With a cup of coffee in her right hand, and a lit cigarette in the other, she surveys the scene taking in all the little details and wondering what was the motive for the atrocity that occurred in front of her. There are no flashing lights, no flash bulbs, and there is no air support. There is only her and her pen.

The aforementioned atrocity, of course, is a 1996 Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that hangs at least 3 feet past the sign that clearly states that you cannot park there as it is a bus stop. While she shakes her head and wonders what this world has come to, she pulls out the pen, writes feverishly on a stack of tickets while stomping out the finished cigarette on the ground beneath her.

“This one is going to cost this guy, I’ll make sure of that.” she says as she continues to document this clear disregard of the rules. “I’m thinking at least 100 bucks before I am done with this clown.”

While many would think that a fine that big for parking partially in a bus stop would be considered excessive, she feels she is being generous and fair.

“A hundred is nothing, I’ve written tickets for two, two-fifty, even three hundred dollars before.” she explains as she takes pleasure in the sound of the windshield wiper hitting the ticket pressed up on the glass.

Although there are guidelines set forth by the city regarding parking violations and their fine amount, she feels that those are weak and do nothing to discourage the hundreds of parking crimes that occur each day.

“This is a serious problem that is only getting worse. This tells me that the ‘guidelines’ that the city has come up with are not getting it done. My rules are getting it done; my rules are reducing parking crimes and my rules show that I mean business.” she declared as she scoped the rest of the block for another candidate looking for some ‘paper justice’.

This deviant behavior has gotten her in trouble before, which is why she wants to remain anonymous to this story, but it doesn’t seem to keep her from bending these rules if it means one more car won’t be parking illegally on her beat again. To her, this is more of a cop philosophy than a practice.

“You know, a law enforcement officer’s worst enemy is the constraints by which we are ‘required’ to work in. We try to solve problems but we can’t do this or can’t do that. This is the main cause of stress for most cops. I just choose to ignore those constraints and because of this, my beat is always seeing the best results. If I get fired, then that is the city’s loss, not mine.” she explained as she nods her head signaling that the Tacoma is the only offender on this block.

Editorial: The Next Person Who Calls Me The Pringles Guy…

By: Boh
Beer Logo

I just want to get this straightened out because I am close to my breaking point. I am not the Pringles guy! For some reason, ever since my face has become popular again, people’s typical first reaction when they see it is “Hey, look at the Pringles guy.” This infuriates me and quite frankly, I find it to be rude and ignorant.

Before I get going, I would like to first mention that most Baltimore natives and naturalized Baltimoreans do know who I am and know that I am not anything like the Pringles guy. So, to all those who fit the aforementioned description, this rant is not aimed towards you. However, one of the downfalls of living high atop the Boh building in Brewers Hill is that it is close to I-95 which means many non-Marylanders can see me from the interstate and see me even closer when they get off at O’Donnell Street. This is where I get most of my Pringles guy references.

First of all, we don’t look anything alike. My handlebar mustache is much wider and more prevalent as one my facial features. Secondly, he has a matted down haircut with a part in the middle, where my part gives way to some great curls on top of my forehead. Last, but NOT least, I wink! I wink a lot. He winks in some of his commercials but not all of them. I am on top of a tall building winking every few minutes all day and all night long. Truth be told, if he was even willing to wink like me, I don’t think he would have what it takes to pull it off. I know that is harsh but winking is not an easy thing to do when you do it as much as me.

Before I conclude, I would like to emphasize the difference in what each of us is selling. He is selling potato chips, excuse me, potato crisps. I am not just selling beer. I am selling Baltimore and its warmth and hospitality. When you get off at O’Donnell and come under the tracks past Newkirk, you see me, winking at you and welcoming you to our great city and hoping that you enjoy your stay. While nothing is better with a Boh than a stack of Pringles, and he and I are both mustache wearing logos, I must implore you to use what I have just taught you and please do me the courtesy of calling me by my proper name when I do you the courtesy of throwing a wink and a smile your way.

Typo In 1999 Traffic Study Made Engineers Think That People Loved Traffic

By: Greg Bourbonsky
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – In what is being called the worst misinterpretation of data since NASA confused measurement units resulting in the loss of a Mars space probe, the Crab has learned that for the past 5 years, Baltimore City traffic engineers have been designing traffic patterns and construction schedules based on an incorrect conclusion of a traffic study conducted in 1999. This misinterpretation was caused by a typo in the conclusion section of the report that said “traffic jams are the leading cause of people loving”. The word “loving” was supposed to be “moving” as the study was on the impact traffic has on residents’ daily lives and city demographic shifts.

“Yeah, that was our fault. Although we did find it odd that people would love traffic, we put a lot of time and resources into that study and therefore, we trusted its conclusions.” said a spokesman from the Baltimore City Department of Transportation. “Hindsight being 20/20, we really should have picked up on this before we commenced with 5 years of multi-million dollar traffic projects.”

The typo was noticed when a member of the D.O.T’s executive office cleaning crew glanced at a piece of paper that was on the floor. That piece of paper happened to be from the traffic study and contain the last paragraph of the conclusion statement. Upon seeing the statement, she felt that it couldn’t be true so she gave it to a senior member in the Director’s office.

While there is no evidence of a cover-up, a source inside the D.O.T. confirmed that the Director’s Office is not exactly eager to discuss the issues that have come out of this study. This source also speculates that some of the city’s most recent and infamous traffic project disasters including the simultaneous reduction of Pratt, Lombard, and Fayette Streets to one lane for construction, may be the results of the conclusions of this study.

Repeated phone calls to the Director’s office have not been returned, but the Crab did get a written response from the D.O.T. Communications Office in writing that contained three words, “Oops, our bad.”

Mount Vernon Residents Attempt To Outsmart Developers; Push For Minimum Height Restrictions

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – As an ultimate “screw you” gesture, the residents of Mount Vernon have removed its maximum height restrictions on new buildings and replaced it with a minimum height restriction for these new buildings. This comes after weeks of debate about whether or not to allow several developers to build condominium towers that many residents feel are too tall and take away from the cultural character of the neighborhood.

The new proposal calls for new apartment buildings to be at least 1,000 feet tall.

“How do they like them apples?” said one Mt. Vernon resident. “What’s the matter? Can’t they build a tower that tall? Too bad, I guess they can’t build here”.

As the argument on the actual maximum height caused the biggest impasse in the debate, several residents realized that were looking at this the wrong way.

“It came to me like a punch in the face. Don’t require the buildings to be short enough, require them to be tall enough?”, said Marty Willhute, the resident who thought up of the plan. “It’s so simple, if a developer wants to build an apartment building here, it would have to be the tallest apartment building in the world. No developer around here can do that. Brilliant!”

While many residents are rejoicing about what they are calling an “ingenious idea”, there are many residents who feel that this plan is both infeasible and stupid.

“Come on, let’s be serious. This is idiotic and everyone knows it.” said one opponent of the new idea. “What government would allow a law that would call for that restriction?”

Other residents are nervous about this latest development as they have seen stranger ideas evolve into policy before including the now infamous “vasoline on the street lights” idea and the “robotic parking cop” idea.

“I’m telling you right now. Do not put anything past the city. They will do anything to keep residents from harassing them.”, said one of these apprehensive residents. “Next thing you know, we have a 1000 foot apartment building symbolizing the world’s biggest back-fire ever and as a giant middle finger aimed at our once good cause.”

While it still remains unclear whether this new proposal will have any chance of being taken seriously, it has caused quite a stir in an already unsettled neighborhood surrounded in debate and controversy. However, one thing remains certain, this debate is far from being won or lost as both sides are far from giving up.

Fells Point Residents Complain That Local Bakery Makes City Air Smell Too Nice

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – A group of residents in Fells Point filed a formal complaint with the city this week stating the cinnamon and sugar smell caused by the local baked-goods factory makes the neighborhood smell too good. The complaint comes after a summer where a number of new luxury townhouses, and condos were built attracting many new residents who wanted to live in a “harbor setting”.

“I shelled out a half mill and moved to Fells Point from Ellicott City because I wanted a harbor-like lifestyle”, said Tom Robertsmith. “And that harbor lifestyle includes the shit smell that comes from the harbor water.”

Another new resident thinks the neighborhood has lost its historic character because it has lost an entire sensory aspect of its maritime culture.

“When I close my eyes, I think I am in my grandmother’s kitchen with a plate of her wonderful cinnamon buns, not in my portside townhouse.”, said Margaret Stoneley. “As a historic neighborhood, we should encapsulate that history using all of our senses.”

While these residents are upset by the bakery smell, there are many veteran residents in the area that think that the complaint is not warranted.

“Are these people stupid? I mean, let’s see here, the combination of gas, oil, sewage, dead fish and trash, or cinnamon? I am going to chalk that one up to common sense and go with fresh bakery smell.”, said one Fells resident who has lived there for over 10 years. “Waking up to the smell of bakery as opposed to that shit smelling harbor water has been nothing short of a miracle, but leave it to these idiots to complain about that.”

There has been no formal response from the city regarding this “issue”, but sources inside City Hall have informed the Crab that action, if any, will be drastically delayed as city officials dismissed the complaint on the assumption that it was a City Hall office prank.

One of these sources spoke to the Crab on the condition of anonymity.

“Seriously, we had a room full of people laughing while one of us read this thing out loud. I think someone actually pissed their pants. Upon finding out that this was serious, we laughed even harder and I can confirm that someone did piss their pants.”, said the source.

While this issue still remains at large in Fells Point, there have been no other reported complaints of the city’s air smelling too good.

Herd Of Buffalo Suing Tennis Club For Discrimination

By: Perry Matlock
Crab Legal Writer

BALTIMORE COUNTY – A herd of local buffalo have filed suit against a county tennis club for discrimination when they were forced off the courts for what the herd’s lawyer is calling “no reason other that they were a herd of buffalo”. The herd was spotted on the courts performing what they call “typical bison activities” like jumping over the net and standing around.

“They were a danger to nobody. There were no humans on the courts or even waiting to use the courts so they were an inconvenience to nobody as well.” , explained the herd’s attorney.

While this is the first time the herd has ever been a part of a large scale public news story, they apparently have had run-ins with residents and authorities in the past. There are several reports of the herd stampeding either late at night or early in the morning, waking up residents and causing panic. They have also been cited for illegal grazing on public land like high school fields and public parks, where animal excrement is a continuous problem.

“The grazing thing boggles my mind because how is a buffalo supposed to pick up its own poop? Come on, that is just picking on the fact that they don’t have human hands.” , the herd’s attorney said.

Confident that the lawsuit will thrown out of court, the tennis club did show a sign of good- will by urging the county government to designate specific areas of public land for bison use only. This would be land where grazing and stampeding would be legal and where it would not disrupt neighborhoods where humans reside.

“You know what? Fine. But I think that the sad thing still remains that once, we bison roamed the west by the millions and dominated the landscape and now, we cannot even sneak in a quick singles match without people getting all excited and herding us into trailers.” , said a herd spokesman. “But I guess the most important thing is being able to graze and stampede without the hassle, so yeah, this could be a good thing.”

City Police Helicopter Spotlight Operator Admits Half The Time He’s Just Showing Off

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – The spotlight operator of the Baltimore City Police Helicopter admitted this week that half of the time he is shining the light on the ground below, he is just showing off for the pilots and patrol cops. Ronnie “The Third Pilot” Davies, confessed that more often than not, he just shines the light in order to get the attention of the pilots and his superiors in order to make a good name for himself.

“Don’t get me wrong here, the chopper is vital in crime fighting. When we are in pursuit of someone, or providing air cover to a situation on the ground, that light is serving a purpose.”, explained Davies. “However, when we are just doing the rounds, waiting for a support request, I just show off my skills on how to make that light do things it wasn’t even designed to do.”

Davies’ claim is that one day, he will take the helm of the current Baltimore City Police helicopter if he is able to show the Department that his spotlight skills are second to none.

“I think that if I can show them my good stuff, I will become the heir to the pilot’s chair.”, said Davies.

Another point Davies makes is the difficulty of the actual maneuvers that he makes with the light, for which some have been given names by him.

“First off, the chopper rarely hovers perfectly level. We are always moving and always on an angle, so I need to anticipate what the aircraft is going to do before I can light up the ground.”, explained Davies. “Then there are the moves like the ‘Stop On A Dime’ where I can make that beam stay in one spot no matter what the chopper does, or the ‘Alley Jumper’ where I can sweep an alley, turn off the beam, them sweep another alley without having to shine the light on any houses.”

Sources close to the BPD have informed the Crab that there has been talk about eliminating the spotlight operator’s job, but the talent Davies has shown has always prevented that from happening.

“Hey, I just do my job. But, I am the best in the business.” , asserted Davies.

While many cities have police choppers, the BPD can proudly claim to have one the most skilled spotlight operators in law enforcement in America.

Local Developer Shrugs Off “Dime a Dozen” Notion Regarding His Developments - Defends His Town-Home Communities

By: Chris Kross
Crab Business Writer

BALTIMORE COUNTY – Local developer and entrepreneur Brand Wellsted, CEO of Generic Homes LLC, shrugged off the suggestion that town-home sub-developments are “a dime a dozen”.

“Dime a dozen? More like five hundred grand for one.” laughed Wellsted as he took a puff from his cigar. “If you can find me a development where you can buy twelve homes for a dime, please let me know because I need to buy that guy a scotch.”

When it was suggested that the phrase was meant to suggest that his developments were over-plentiful and lacked distinct character, Wellsted immediately went on the defensive explaining that Generic Communities offer a wide variety of custom built model homes.

“For example, we have the Ambassador model which is a little pricey but large and in-charge with its four bedroom layout. We also have the Peasant model with it’s one room layout.” explained Wellsted. “Of course, those living in the Peasant area of the community must use there own community pool and clubhouse.”

While Wellsted does admit that there are more new town-home/condo Communities popping up all over the greater Baltimore region, he firmly believes that there is still a substantial demand for these private communities.

“The fact of the matter is, people want to live in these isolated communities where everyone knows everything about everybody. And when we launch our fortified gated communities next year, you’ll see people by the thousands rush to buy in those.” said Wellsted.

When asked about the justification for the high prices of these homes, Wellsted explained that the convenience factor created by the locations of these communities is what makes them so priceless.

“In our White Marsh communities, you are so close to 95, you can literally read license plates of the cars on it from your bedroom window. In our Anne Arundel locations, you are so close to BWI, you can literally wave to the pilots as they land. This is unprecedented convenience to two of the area’s major travel entities.” explained Wellsted.

While some people like them and others hate them, town-home communities are the new housing craze in Baltimore County. And while some people are turned off by the thought of spending the money to live in these “cookie cutter” communities, there are many who think they are the best housing situation available. The only sure thing about this particular housing market is that as long as people keep buying these homes, there will still be Generic Communities popping up all over Baltimore.

New Super Convention Center and Hotel To Offer Vegas Style Pirate Show

By: Blaze Rollins
Crab Arts & Entertainment Writer

BALTIMORE – The committee that is overseeing the new 300 million dollar Super Convention Center and Hotel project announced this week that the new hotel is going to be offering an hourly pirate show on the hotel’s property. The show is going to be the flagship entertainment event for the new hotel complex.

“Our goal in producing this show is to market this complex as not only a place to come for seminars and conferences, but a place to have fun as well.” said the spokeswoman for the committee. “We wanted to be able to distinguish ourselves from the rest of the mega conference complexes on the East Coast and we feel this will accomplish just that."

While the specifics of the actual show have not yet been made public, sources close to the committee have informed the Crab that the design specifications of the show’s set include a scaled down model of the Baltimore Harbor from the 19th Century and a smaller version of the USS Constellation. Also, sources close to group producing the show have informed the Crab that the show’s plot will involve a war-like scenario similar to the pirate war show at the Treasure Island Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. Along with our sources on this story, this can be inferred from comments made by the committee spokeswoman.

“With the pirate show, the hotel complex will be just like something you would find in Vegas, without of course, the gambling and 24 hour liquor licenses.” said the spokeswoman.

According to another source close to the committee, there were several proposed themes for the hourly show from which the pirate theme was chosen. The other themes included a fisherman character that goes on a tour of the Chesapeake Bay, a topless revue with a “Baltimore Civic History” theme, and a “Defensivus Maximus” themed show highlighting the powerful defense of the 2000 Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl team. In the end, the committee decided to stick with the pirate theme as it was more general and easier for those from out of town to understand.

The show will be free for all registered guests and each registered guest will receive a free “I Survived the Pirate Show In Baltimaaarrrrrggh!” t-shirt. The committee is hoping the show will be ready and live for the first conference in the new hotel.

Local Man Exiled From Neighborhood After Seen On Duck Boat Tour

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – Mike O’Neal was voted into exile from his Upper Fells Point community after several residents saw him participating in the Duck Boat Tour earlier this fall. The Duck Boat Tour, an excellent tourist attraction, has always been considered off-limits to permanent Baltimore residents because of the embarrassment factor in other neighborhoods.

“Mike is a good guy, but rules are rules. I mean, what if someone from Butchers Hill saw him? Then it might be assumed that all of us on this block are the types of people who would ride the Duck Boat, waving our arms around like idiots while blowing those little horn things.” said Tuck Peterson of Upper Fells Point. “The only way to make sure this doesn’t happen again is to set an example and unfortunately, that is Mike”.

Another element of the Duck Boat tour that makes it taboo among local Baltimoreans is the history aspect of it. The tour takes the passengers through the Inner Harbor, Fell Point and Canton and gives stories about the history of Charm City. Some local residents feel that Baltimore history is something a local should already know.

“If Mike was on that boat, it can only mean one of two things. One, he enjoys looking like an idiot with the arm flailing, or two, he did not pay attention in elementary school when we learned about Francis Scott Key and how the Star Spangled Banner was written. Either way, he is not fit for this block.” Peterson added.

In his own defense, Mike claimed that he was on the boat entertaining family who was in town visiting from Northern New Jersey. Mike’s brother, sister in-law, and their children were in town to see the Yankees play the O’s and he thought it would be a fun thing for them to do.

“My brother and his family had never been to Baltimore so I thought it would be a fun way for them to see as much of the waterfront as possible.” explained Mike.

However, that did not sit well with Mike’s neighbors.

“Yankees? New Jersey? Duck Boats? Well, with that combination right there, Mike is lucky to have gotten only banishment” said another neighbor on the condition of anonymity.

While Mike plans to appeal this decision by the community, no banished resident has ever had a decision overturned since Cal Ripken Jr. convinced his neighbors that he was only wearing a Red Sox hat as a joke.

Mayor O’Malley Furious Over ‘CitiStat’ Spelling Error

Hires Spelling Bee Champion As Consultant
By: Ed Mund
Crab City Hall Beat

BALTIMORE – Baltimore City Mayor Martin O’Malley was furious earlier this week when he noticed that the word “Citi” on the logo of his well-known CitiStat Program had been misspelled.

“This is absolutely unacceptable!” said O’Malley. “We pride ourselves as being the City That Reads and we cannot even spell things correctly down here at City Hall? Well, that is just plain wrong.”

When asked why it took the mayor several years to notice the spelling of “CitiStat” he replied “I figured that since the program has worked so well for us, we would at least be smart enough to spell it the right way. I mean, it’s not like it’s a tough word to spell, C-I-T-Y, City.”

While nobody inside City Hall can explain how the misspelling occurred or why it took so long for anyone to notice, sources inside City Hall believe that this issue was created by a lack of communication within the O’Malley staff. One source said, “I can’t believe that nobody ever once assumed that just maybe it was spelled like that on purpose. Maybe, since we are such a ‘cutting edge’ city government, we wanted to think outside the box a little here and deviate from the boring and traditional spelling in order to show how cutting edge we are. I mean, what idiot wouldn’t assume that at first.”

Regardless of whether it was a self-created issue or not, the O’Malley administration has responded to this by announcing that it has hired recent National Spelling Bee Champion Anurag Kashyap as a spelling consultant to ensure that no more city government logos are spelled incorrectly anymore.

“To anyone who believes we have not taken action regarding this issue, come on down to City Hall and see if you can spell better than our new consultant, but try not to let the shine of his National Spelling Bee trophy blind you.” a City Hall spokesperson said.

Kashyap was excited to get to work but added “Man, if they are spelling words like ‘City’ wrong, I have a lot of work to do.”

Kashyap comes into City Hall riding high off his National Spelling Bee Championship he won earlier this year in Washington but understands that his spelling advice is going to be crucial to the logos that hundreds of thousands of Baltimore City residents depend on. “Spelling on a stage for sport is one thing, but being able to apply my superior spelling skills in a real-life setting is much more difficult even if the words I need to monitor are idiotically simple words like ‘City’.”

Despite many pleas from the Mayor’s staff members for the Mayor to just say that he has learned that the spelling of City with an “I” was intentional, the Mayor is determined to rid City Hall of all its spelling corruption and clean up the grammatical errors that may be out there on city owned property.

Said the Mayor, “We are forgetting that there may be hundreds, even thousands of city logos that have spelling errors still out there. If they are out there, we will find them and bring them to a state of grammatical correctness”.

City Council Votes To Put City Budget Surplus Into The Inner Harbor

By: John McClown
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore – The Baltimore City Council yesterday voted unanimously to put the 47 million dollar budget surplus into the city’s Inner Harbor in a move that ends weeks of debate as to where the surplus money should go.

While other city groups were hoping that the money would be invested into the development of blighted neighborhoods on the city’s east and west sides, others were hoping the money would go into the much-needed repairs of at least one dozen of the city’s aging public schools.

However, the City Council’s plan calls for the surplus to be converted into quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies, put into yellow 50 gallon steel drums and submersed into the Inner Harbor.

“When we said we wanted to put the money into the Inner Harbor, we meant it literally and we stand by our word.” said City Council President Sheila Dixon. “People wanted the Council to tone down our ‘political rhetoric’, so here they have it. We said we were going to do something and we will now follow through on it to the ‘T’”.

While the Council defends its proposed actions, city residents are furious at what they refer to as a “ridiculous idea”.

“This is nothing short of insane. They have finally lost it. I am still waiting for them to stand up and tell us that they were kidding and this was all a big joke” said East Baltimore resident Raymond Smith. “I really and truly have no clue as to what they are thinking. I am at a complete loss.”

In an attempt to explain the reasoning behind the Council’s choice of action, Councilman Jim Kraft said, “I don’t think that the city residents fully understand what we are doing here. The Inner Harbor has been a key factor in the revitalization of our downtown and waterfront areas. Now, we are giving back to the Harbor what we feel it has given to us for over 25 years.”

When asked about the Council’s decision, Mayor Martin O’Malley’s office responded saying “They want to put 47 million in change into the Inner Harbor? Yeah, that’s about right. We stopped paying attention to what the Council was doing months ago because we knew this day would come and we wanted nothing to do with it. So, they finally lost it, huh?”

When asked whether the Mayor’s Office would step in to prevent this from happening, the spokesperson said, “No, we’ll just shut up and veto it like any normal oxygen-breathing, half-witted human being would and make them look like a bunch nit-wits. Standard procedure. City residents have nothing to worry about.”

After investigating other City Council Bills that were passed but vetoed by the mayor and spawned from literal translations of suggested solutions to city problems, the Crab found Bills that included plans to fill potholes with old pennies, throw quarters at vacant homes, and to mop the streets with Mr. Clean. None of these bills ever were signed and never made it into City Code.

Steinbrenner Goes Right To Work On Baltimore City Schools

New School Superintendent Promises Restructuring To Be Done "My Way"
By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

Baltimore - Newly elected Baltimore City School superintendent and owner of the New York Yankees George Steinbrenner wasted no time when he showed up for his first day of his new role. Calling the current public school situation a "total log-jam of idiocy", he went to work right away in an area he knows best, personnel changes. By noon, 45 central administrators, 26 teachers, 15 principals, and 27 school office secretaries were fired and humiliated publicly.

"These people are useless and, therefore, I have absolutely no time for them.", said Steinbrenner, who opted not to speak via a Baltimore City Schools spokesperson, because he fired him. "The fact that these people actually were trusted with educating or facilitating the education of Baltimore's children is nothing short of frightening. This round of firings is just the beginning."

While no new hires have been announced yet, sources close to The Crab have speculated that Steinbrenner is interested in some veteran county teachers, who recently have filed for school transfers. Some of these free-agent teachers include a fourth grade teacher from Overlea who is known for her skills in sustaining classroom order well past lunchtime into the 2 pm hour. Another possible move could be to sign a P.E. teacher from Catonsville known for his ability to get even the fattest and laziest students motivated to play sports and get healthy. Finally, this source claims Steinbrenner has interest in an assistant principal that he claims "has been groomed perfectly and is ready for the big leagues now."

Of course, acquisitions like this do not come cheap and there is a level of risk involved, but these risks do not phase Steinbrenner.

"I traded for A-Rod and now he's one of the best. I signed up guys like Sheffield and Randy Johnson who are dominant. I know this game well and the schools need some big names in order to turn around this mess." claimed Steinbrenner.

Another module of the schools to which Steinbrenner plans on hiring is the top tier of central administration jobs. He has always been known to hire the brightest and best in the front-office and plans to continue that trend in the schools.

"I demand loyalty and excellence. If you don't give me both of those, at all times, you will be fired and I will be on the phone with the newspapers and the radio talk-shows telling the entire region what a moron you really are. In other words, if you work for me, you better bring your A-Game."
explained Steinbrenner, who shortly after referred to his newly fired spokesman as a "garbling fool".

While the long-term impact of these moves and future moves is difficult to gauge, one thing is for sure; the days of incompetence, political patronage, and all out dysfunctionality appear to be over at the Baltimore City Public Schools.

Editorial: I Wish I Was a Ray

By: Flippy The Dolphin
Aquarium Performer

Before I get going on this rant, I want to make it clear that I DO realize how high-profile my job is and how important I am to getting people in the doors at the aquarium in Baltimore. That being said, I hate my job and quite frankly, I wish I was a ray. Why? Well, for starters, have you seen the size of the tank the rays have compared to how big they are? It’s massive. Now, I know that we dolphins have a big tank but it’s because we have a stadium but there is a big difference between a stadium and a plain old big tank.

The rays just get to swim around in their tank all day and once in a while they will have to perform for some kid who just happens to be standing there watching them. Now, when the rays have to “perform”, the bar is set much lower than for us. A ray only has to do that thing where he claps his fin against the side of the tank. That alone will be enough for the people watching to be amazed. For us to amaze the crowd, we need to jump through hoops up in the air and use our radar to find things while blindfolded. And, God forbid, we should mess up once and hear the “Aaawwww” of disappointment from the crowd. The rays never hear that. And what is with that anyway? Nothing makes my blow-hole angrier than some fat kid sitting in the front who is pissed that I couldn’t pull off my trick. I wish I could talk so I could yell, “Hey! Fatty! I’d like to see you come in here and jump 30 feet to touch that orb above the pool. You probably couldn’t get a foot out of the water!”

I’m sorry for that. I got a little off track there, but, my point still remains that the rays don’t have to put up with that. All they have to do is swim around and clap their fins once in a while. To me, that is the life. Most dolphins, especially those in show business, always talk about how much they want to be famous and be the next Flipper, but, not me. I just want the simple life with no pressure and little expectations, just like the rays have.