Study Finds Link Between City Smog and Dollar Crab Nights

By: James Olsen
Crab Staff Writer

BALTIMORE – An independent environmental research group has filed a report with the EPA claiming a direct link between Baltimore air pollution and dollar crab nights at local bars and crab houses. The reports also mentions that the addition of dollar draft beers to the dollar crab specials is a major contributor as well.

“Well, do I have to spell it out? Think about what crabs and warm draft beer does to you the next morning.” said a spokesperson for the group. “Ok, now picture thousands of people experiencing the same thing week in and week out. That is enough methane to be a major problem.”

Dollar crab nights are a Baltimore tradition that date back multiple generations and most Baltimoreans do not feel that the environmental threat of the escalated methane gas levels warrant the suspension or discontinuation of this tradition.

“Are you kidding me? I would give up my fireplace and my truck before I gave up dollar crabs and beers.” declared one Sparrows Point Resident who just goes by Big J. “The way I figure is that beer farts can’t be worse for the air than the old steel plant and that plant aint even running anymore.”

The environmental group disputes that claim.

“Have you ever had the post dollar crab night beer farts? They last all day long and they are nothing short of oppressive to the air.” said the same spokesperson. “100,000 residents having various degrees of this day-long condition, in my opinion, can have a huge impact on the air. The effect should not be underestimated.”

While there is no word yet if the EPA will take action to curb the high doses of methane that fill the air on different mornings in different neighborhoods, sources inside the EPA’s Washington office can confirm that the EPA did take action in various cities that have had issues with mornings after dollar Buffalo wings and beer night.

The only thing that remains certain in this debate is that a night of steamed crabs and warm draft beer will always predictably yeild the same results, environmental threat or not.